The Present

 I settled down into my favorite fork of my favorite tree in the court, mostly hidden from anyone's eyes. 
If anyone was to look carefully they might see my red hair contrasting with the darkness of the bark and leaves, but most of the court was too busy with their own dramas and lives to be bothered to look for me.  I knew my foster mother would seek me soon enough.  She had a knack for needing me when I needed to be alone so it would not be long now.

My hands gripped the sweets I had managed to pilfer from the kitchen under the throne room, and I slowly begin to break the cookies apart, carefully eating each and every crumb as I hid.  Then all too soon I heard the summons from my foster mother.  For a moment I debated ignoring it but I knew if I did she would send her guards to seek me out and they were much less tolerant of me than she was.  I had scars on my back from defying them before.

With a sigh I dropped out of the tree silently and begin to make my way across the garden, dusting my hands as I went.  While she did preferred me to appear formal in her court, I did not have time to change into one of my formal court approved gowns so I sought her out still in my hunting gear, knowing she would be displeased with my appearance.  My legs carried me across the courtyard and up the stairs to her throne room, making long strides as I tried to appear calm but inside I was anything but.  The look of displeasure on her face as she looked me over was the highlight of the morning.  The guards often whispered I would have been more at home in pants than a dress but never within her hearing knowing her temper would cause them to lose their place in her bed.

"Athilephila, nice of you to dress up for our meeting," her voice was like ice, matching the frozen eyes set in her face.  I quickly dropped to one knee at the foot of the stairs below her throne, "My apologies my queen, Queen Valya," I murmured, looking at the carpet I knelt upon.  "I came as soon as I heard your summons.  Had I known you needed me in full court dress I would have used my powers of Telepathy to predict you would have summoned me and changed earlier."  My sarcasm earned a snicker from Telvon, one of my foster mother's newest guards.  He was still new so his frequent copulation with the queen caused him to have a more pleasant disposition than the older, more celibate guards. 
I heard my foster mother snap her fingers, and there was sudden silence.  Not even the creak of metal from the armor everyone wore, I couldn't even hear anyone breathing.  "Come here foster daughter."  the queen ordered, and I looked up at her as I stood, then made my way to the throne next to hers, a seat reserved for her heir.  

"Foster mother," I begin to say, only to be silenced by her putting a hand up to indicate I stop speaking.  "While you are wise to remind me of our relationship to each other, I will one day no longer put up with your impertinence.  You believe you are amusing but there will be a time when that mouth of yours will cause you more issues than you will be able to handle."  She then made a dismissive gesture to her guards and all but two left the room.  Her two oldest, most loyal soldiers moved closer to her as I crossed my legs and tried to at least appear somewhat royal.  I knew these two were not fooled but as far as the rest were concerned, I was the princess of the Unseelie court, so clandestine meetings between myself and the Queen were frequent.
"I hear you did very well in your trials," she said, her stature relaxing as she leaned over, placing her elbow on the arm of her throne, and resting her chin on her hand. 
With a shrug I reached down to pick at the leather on my pants, "I messed up a little but when your competition is only two other fae who's blood is dirtier than mine its not exactly hard to excel."  I risked a look at her, smiling as I seen her smirk, knowing I said the right thing.  "So humble." she murmured and sighed, sitting back up and resting back against her throne.  "You have come of age, so beautifully, and exceeded my expectations.  However, there are two more tasks you must complete..."

As I started to protest, after all I had done more than any other youngling in centuries to prove myself worthy of taking her throne.  The trace of seelie blood in me caused the courts distress.  They'd rather any other creature lead them than a Fae with mixed blood.  She silenced me again, and looked out over her empty throne room, and seen a hint of sadness behind her icy gaze.  "First, tell me of your tests again.  Tell me what you did." 
I groaned and uncrossed my legs, and crossed my arms, knowing the fact we were mostly alone was the only reason I'd get away with my open defiance.  "There was a magic test, a physical test, and an endurance test."  I muttered, then caught her glaring at me so I sighed, "What would you like to know about exactly foster mother?"  Her lips curled in a small smile, "Your powers. Your magics.  We all know your physical strength isn't impressive even if you passed the trials and you are proficient with your bow and staff.  I want more details on what the Masters found you could do."

 After listening to her, I slumped in my chair, staring into the distance blankly.  "You already know what they found out." I knew I sounded like a grumpy child but my powers still frightened me and the Masters I had, were not confident I'd ever be in one hundred percent control of them.  She looked at me then summoned one of the two remaining guards to us.  "Strip your chest." she commanded him and he did so, without hesitation.   She then waved her hand at his bare skin, causing slashes to appear, and bleed, his gasp of pain startling me.  "Show me, or he dies." she said looking back at me expectantly.  While I hesitated, she made the same motion at him, causing more cuts, more blood to flow down his stomach into the waist band of his pants.  "FINE, STOP." I shouted jumping up from the chair only to have her fingers encircle my wrist.  "You don't need to touch him, so show me from here."  Her eyes sparked with maliciousness as she looked up at me.

With a disgusted glance toward the woman I still called foster mother, I extended my hand out toward the guard, using the finger movements I had been taught, and ordered his blood to go back into his body.  Then twisting my wrist like I was turning a knob, her and I both watched as the blood traveled back up his chest, and into the wounds, the wounds healing as a moment passed.  Once he was healed I looked back down at the queen, "done?" I asked her coldly and yanked my wrist away from her grasp. "Almost." she said with a wicked grin.  "Now redo them."  I started to protest but seeing the look on her face I didn't bother, and instead twisted my wrist in the opposite direction, calling his blood back to me.  The wounds reopened, causing him to pour blood once more.  He stood there, looking at the Queen in fear but did not move, did not try to stop himself from bleeding out.  After what seemed like an eternity, she made a dismissive gesture and I immediately turned my wrist back, healing him once more.

The guard fell to his knees, trying to catch his breath, and dizzy I'm sure.  Having blood pulled in and pushed back into one's body can really do some weird things to your anatomy.  Seeing that the Queen was satisfied, I flopped back into my chair, and glared at the ground.  "Athilephila," said the Queen softly, looking over at me.  "What do you know of your parents?"  COnfused I looked up at her, "Only what you told me, my Queen.  That they were a mating couple who produced me and died shortly afterwards."  Her raven hair glowed dully in the dim lights of the throne room as she shook her head, and sighed softly, looking weary for the first time since I've known her.  "No child.  It is time you knew the truth about who you are, who you will be, and who you are going to be for this court."

With another sigh she dismissed her last 2 guards, leaving us alone in the the throne room, and she reached over, taking my hand in hers while she stared blankly forward.  "I felt you come into this world twice, Athilephila.  The first time, it was brief, and I had assumed you were still born.  Many of our kind, cannot survive the world once they enter it.  It depends on the couple, the courts, and many other factors.  But then, I felt you enter the world again. See, as one who is supposed to emulate fertility to our people, I used to be able to help babes live, and I could feel them enter this world.  However, as our numbers dwindle so do our powers."

As I started to speak, she held up her other hand.  "Silence.  I will finish my story," she said, glancing at me until I gave a nod showing I understood, then she looked back over the empty room.  "So to feel the same babe, enter into the world twice was nothing short of unusual, so I sought you out.  The day I found you, a great winged man had you.  He allowed me to take you, and bring you amongst our people so that you would live, and learn our ways, as well as the ways of others.  That day, I also found treachery among my court.  An unseelie noble decided to have sex with a seelie noble, and you were the result of that.  Luckily, the seelie blood in you is faint so you don't have too much light.  You certainly look unseelie..."  Letting go of my hand she reached up and twirled my hair between her fingers.  "But you still have some seelie.  The fact your powers can heal and kill... You can bring life back to plants, animals, people... as long as they haven't been dead too long.  And even if they have you can raise them to do your bidding.  That is a rare talent among our courts."

She dropped my hair and grasped my fingers once more.  "I had your parents killed.  When their encounter resulted in you, they should have let me know so I could foster you properly.  But they decided instead to let you perish in the snow, and then somehow the winged man brought you back."  I simply nodded, stunned by what she said.  I did not mourn my parents, you cannot mourn what you never had.  The admission from her though, that was unusual.  She usually did what she thought was best and never asked for forgiveness or gave care to what others thought.  "I tell you this because you are almost ready to rejoin your winged father.  He stated you have god blood in you and you are destined for things greater than ruling this court Athilephila." she continued.  "Two more trials.  I know you think you should be done but, two more and then you will go back to your winged father, fully pledged to our courts, and able to come and go as you wish."

With that she called for her guards, and as they came back in, two of them seized me, causing me to protest and start trying to fight but they had my arms locked in iron cuffs, which sizzled against my skin.  "What.. .why are you having me jailed?" I shouted at her as they drug me from my chair, and positioned me in front of her. The expression on her face was one of pain and regret, something no one had ever seen from her before.  "You are not being jailed, my child.  This next part of your tasks, is one no one likes, and not everyone will succumb to it.  So we need to take precautions to make sure you can't flee."  She gestured with her hand, and the guards drug me to the floor, and forced me to my knees, ripping the back of my tunic open to expose my bare flesh.  I heard the queen walk toward us, the rustling of her dress, her heels making muted clicks against the floor.  She crouched before me, cupping my chin in her hand as she lifted my head.  "I'm so sorry my child." she whispered, then looked behind me and nodded.  A door opened and I could smell the scent of burning metal, and I tried to struggle, but the guards were bigger and stronger than I was and with the cuffs on, I couldn't even call my magic.  She looked back into my eyes and murmured, "sleep" as I felt the metal touch my back, then I screamed once the heat set in, the smell of burning flesh filling the air as I shrieked.  The metal was still there as I succumbed to my foster mother's order, the pain making it so very easy to slip into a deep dark place. 

Old RP story

Normal.  Thats all I ever wanted to be.
I wanted the wings.  The feathers that my family had.
The beautiful plumage that they would preen about.
As I got older the feathers seemed less significant.
The differences more pronounced.
My parents and siblings seemed so bent on helping everyone.  Preventing death, sickness when they could.
I preferred the company of the dead.  The internet provides wonderful answers to so many questions, I suppose that's how I got started on my path.
We mingled with humans often.  My siblings were always adept at hiding their wings.  Soon I begin to think that I was a mutant.  Maybe that is why I was such a whispered secret among my parents.  Perhaps adopted.  I fit in better with these humans than I did with my family.  Especially the 'goth' kids, who's clique I discovered in middle school.
Their black makeup, dark music, and over all negative attitude seemed to fit my disposition.  And time passed by quickly those first years in the human world.  I noticed the dead bodies begin to speak back to me.. even from six feet under dirt I could sometimes hear things.  I delved further into necromantic practices.  Finding books at the local 'mystical' store, I begin to try and learn magic.  Elemental stuff, archanic rituals.  The darker spells came easily to me, and I found myself alienating from even my goth friends.
About the time I got my period, I noticed I begin to have nightmares.  But I was never running from the monster in my dreams... I was the monster.  We lived in a place with fickle weather, but once the nightmares started, our weather became even more unpredictable.  My parents begin to whisper about me when they thought I couldn't hear.
I could hear everything...
Shortly before I left for college, a whispered argument met my ears.  The phrase that stuck out was, 'The sins of the father shall be laid upon the children'
Not wanting to know what that meant, I blocked out any other sounds and continued to pack.  I was human in my mind.  The things I did in the dark of the night, while my door was locked, or when I was in the graveyard was just coincidences.
School provided a welcome distraction.  I threw myself into my studies and when the nightmares grew worse, more vivid I sought help.  That is when I found .. .him.
Since my dreams seemed demonic in nature, I begin to go to the chapel for confession.  One of the priests there seemed very understanding about what I was envisioning.
We grew closer, as one would expect.  He quickly became the only priest I would confess to.  I ... felt like I could tell him anything.  And so I did.  Every detail of my dreams.  My visits became daily.  Sometimes the only thing that got me through my classes as the nightmares grew worse, was knowing I would be seeing him.
He told me I couldn't keep confessing to him.  I think he felt the same feelings brewing that I did.  I was never allowed to mingle with guys outside of school, so it was so unfamiliar to me.  This gnawing, growing hunger to see him, touch him.
I made my way back to the dorm that night, upset, torn.  My vision begin to cloud as anger rose it's head.  The weather outside begin to change as well, and as I tried to fight my anger, there was an overwhelming feeling of ... power.  I felt like the walls of my dorm were closing so I fled outside in my nightgown and once I was outside, I threw my head back and howled, in pain, frustration.  I screamed at the heavens, cursed them for whatever was wrong with me.
The storm began then.  The thunder clapped, the lightning crashed to the ground.  The wind howled around me, and I did the only thing I could think of.  I ran back to the chapel...

The next few hours were a blur.  I remember, stuff, but not all of it.  I do remember when I came to, I was in a pool of blood, several limbs around me like a demented alter.  I had horns, my eyes black, tentacles lashing out from my back.  My first thought was ... After the priest and I had... our moment I had killed him, but after my parents came and cleaned me up, I was escorted outside.  From the steps of the dorm were the slaughter had happened I seen him.  He wasn't dressed in his robes, but in khakis and a red shirt.  Our eyes met, and time stopped for a moment.  My parents just ushered me into the waiting car, growling at each other under their breaths.

I was kept a prisoner for the next two days.  I paced the floor, climbing the walls.  I begged my parents to let me go, that I'd disappear and never disgrace their doorstep again.  On the second night of my imprisonment, I heard the locks on the door being undone.  I jumped up, thinking they were going to let me go, but suddenly my world was a mess of blackness and pain.  And that was the last thing I remember of that world.

Bad girl.
Those words echo in my mind as I come to.
I'm groggy, but I'm wet, and on something cold and hard...
I force myself off the sidewalk and stumble to the nearest building, it's empty but its dry... I collapse in the corner and immediately lose consciousness again.

'The storm rages outside the chapel, lightning hitting so very close as she burst through the doors, her hair plastered to her head and face looking almost like blood, her long white nightgown almost sheer from being soaked from the rain outside.  "Father, I have sinned!" she screeched, and there was a banging door from behind the pulpit.  The priest came out, clearly startled at her appearance.  "My dear girl, you are going to catch your death!" he admonished her as he adjusted his own pajamas, seeing her there made some of his recent dreams all too real.  Once he reached her, she flung her arms around his neck, sobbing as she pressed her cheek against his.  "Father I am what I am so scared of... I caused this storm.  All the nightmares, they have happened..."  He groaned feeling her warm body pressed against his, and though he knew he'd regret it, he wrapped his arms around her, "Shhh child, these are just more of your delusions... more of your dreams..."  She cut him off and pulled back staring at him, and for the first time since they initially met, he seen something more in her eyes.  Darkness swirled in the pale blue orbs he had found himself lost in more than once.  "I need to confess something else..." her whisper was hoarse as her arms tightened around his neck.  "I'm in love with you..."  

Shit.  The drugs are finally wearing off, and the memories of one of my last nights at home fades away.  I look outside and there is a storm brewing, I don't even need my newly manifested powers to tell me that.  I push myself up once more and make my way outside, and begin to explore my home, memorizing areas that may be important.  The town seems quiet right now, an occasional glimpse of one or two people prove I'm not completely alone at least.  I find my way back to the empty building and lay back down, the fact I'm not alone is a small comfort, but very small compared to what I was torn from.

'The storm continued to rage as she clung to the priest, and his heart begin to race.  "Child, no, you are confusing confidant for lover.  Its common, you came to me seeking help and I provided it.  That is it my dear girl."  He brushed her hair from her eyes, his fingertips lingering on her face.  "No... I love you... I know what that is.  Please... don't take this away from me.  I've lost everything." her voice was a soft pleading whimper as she clung to him.  He couldn't ignore the stirring in his body.  Her face, her form had haunted his dreams for far too long.  With a groan he lowered his mouth to hers, and as the storm raged outside he took her.  Quite possibly being the reason she had snapped...'

I wake up once more, and once more the dream ends.  With a grunt I make my way back outside and begin to explore once more.  I have my first conversation with someone... they offer me a place to sleep at least that has a dirty mattress.  But by this point I'm not picky... I just want to sleep some more, to see if I can grasp more of my memories.

A shell

The pain has finally stopped.  The thinking, the worrying.  Its all gone.  I am neither there or here.  I feel free.  I exist in a state of stasis, and I feel nothing.  This is heaven for me.  But it doesn't last and I feel myself being sucked out of whatever sort of ectoplasmic bliss I exist in, and suddenly I'm a form again.  A small, dark, wispy form that is plopped in front of Leviathan.  The Beast uncoils itself and for a brief moment, the errant thought of the Beast's gender travels through my mind but I put it aside.  Its at this moment I realize, I don't think I've ever spoke to Leviathan directly.  First Drac was the liason, then whatever imp that pissed the Beast off was sent to me. 

I hear the slight sound of scales across the floor and I tense thinking its a snake.  But it's another Demoness, not too different from what I was.  She crouches in front of me and helps me to a standing position.  She begins to speak, telling me that Kali has abandoned me.  My body, her temple, was desecrated by a great evil and Kali wants nothing more to do with me.  I wait for the rage, for the feeling of betrayal, but there is none.  The Demoness then went on to explain that Leviathan pulled my soul from the abyss.  As she speaks I look the Beast over.  Its both beautiful and revolting.  I feel pulled toward it but I remain where I am. 

She continues to speak, and I nod at appropriate times.  I am now bound to Leviathan completely.  My soul is the Beast's when I pass on from the earth next time.  I think of asking why Leviathan didn't destroy me this time around but I find my voice has escaped me.  And I decide to take the blessing.  She escorts me out of the chamber, and I feel a twinge of loss but shrug it off as I am lead into a smaller room.  There are candles of various lengths and widths covering the wall and for a moment, I am afraid they are going to excorcise me.  Then I remember I'm in hell.  I'm lead to a table where I lay down, and the demoness begins to work on me, restoring my physical form.  Imps wander in and out, bringing various tools and implements.  Leviathan's brand is scarred into my flesh once more.  It should hurt, but it doesn't.  Once she is done, she returns me to where I last called home.  And my mind empties.

As I wander the walls that once housed me, I feel a vague undercurrent of unease, and a touch of hostility.  The Library, she has begun to reject me.  She doesn't know me any longer.  I attempt to comfort her, try to show her who I am, but it doesn't work.  Viviane, my mother, showed up as I wandered the third floor, and spoke of, loving me.  But one look into my eyes, she knew I didn't feel the same way.  I didn't' feel.. anything any longer. 

The next few days blur by.  I wander between the Library and the pit.  I drift aimlessly through the streets, restlessness building.  Finally, I found Father.  Rather he found me while I was sitting in the library.  He asks questions I do not know the answers to.  This irritates me.  He shows no emotion but I know it's there.  I can feel it.  He prods, and prods, he keeps digging until he found the combination to unlock my memories.  A dark storm begins to brew around us and I feel my powers expanding once more, like a beast awakening from a slumber.  I suddenly remember everything.  Spectre, the rape, my son.  I crack, I begin to shriek like a harpy, lashing out at Father.  He simply sits there, weathering the storm, riding it out until I was spent and collapsed on the floor sobbing.

I insist we go back to save my son.  Denenthorn says we can't.  I threaten to go on my own but he points out, no one can save me there.  I am lost.  My adopted family has cast me out.  The library rejects me.  Miza and Jaco are gone.  I am alone and so very much feel it.  My powers are sporadic now.  And Spectre taunts me in my dreams.  He cost me my family, my magic, my very life.  And yet he's not done.  I fear, he will not stop until he destroys me, in order to pursue his destruction of Denenthorn.

A new kind of hell

All I see is darkness... all I feel is pain.  This one knows me, it knows my weaknesses.  It knows I feed on pain, and I have to feed on my own if I wish to survive.  The screams... where are those coming from?  They come from me and my mind twists a bit more, disassociating my situation with my body, this can't happen to me.  I have to be listening to someone else being tortured. 

That pressure between my legs, no not my legs.  This isn't happening to my form.  My body is Kali's temple, she wouldn't let such things happen to me.  A sharp pain into my womb and the screams become clearer, and my body bows off the bed where I've been chained for hours, for days, for weeks.  Time is of no consequence here.  I'm forced to accept my body is being abused, and the voice whispering such dark things into my ear is all too familiar. 

The last memory I hold is of me stalking down the streets, using the shadows to both guide and cloak me.  Then I felt something hit me... The only thing I can compare it to is like a semi-truck driving through me, around me, surrounding me and taking me with it.  Sweeping me into some abysmal, dark, dank place.  It stole all breath from my body, suffocating me with it's own presence and I fell into the blackness creeped into my vision. 

When I woke up, I was chained.  My hands bound above my head tightly.  My legs were bound loosely so I could move them.  However instead of a cold hard floor, or a simmering pool of flames, the object I was bound to was soft, almost comfortable.  I was gagged, and either I was blindfolded or there wasn't any light whatsoever in the place.  Usually my eyes adjust to darkness, but considering whomever had managed to grab me, altering my vision wasn't that big of a stretch. 

I am unsure how long I was alone, but it wasn't long before my hunger made itself known.  Since stepping back into my demonic powers I could sense people, demons, beings.  But no one was anywhere around me, and I begin to get nervous.  Soon I felt a claw running along my cheek, under my chin where my head was then forced back.  " 'Allo princess." the voice almost purred.  I froze, I knew the voice even if I couldn't see the face.  The voice that haunted my nightmares as a mortal, the voice that would always taint my vision of Denenthorn. 

The nail moved lower, between my breasts, over my stomach, down my thigh.  I realized then I was naked and begin to struggle against the chains, my shock of who had me finally shaking loose.  "Ah ah ah Princess." his voice was warm and revolting at the same time as he traced his nail over my inner thighs and my panic begin to build.  I could feel my powers beginning to make themselves known.  A sadistic laugh echoed through my head as I felt something heavy and small on my chest.  I fell limp against the bed, my body giving up any fight.  I screamed but couldn't make my body do anything but lay there.

I will not write about what happened next, suffice to say my body was defiled, over and over.  He took delight in taking his time, taunting me with saying I would bear his offspring.  My womb should have been barren, all the years on the island taught me that.  But apparently the effects of the island didn't matter wherever he held me, because soon enough his seed took hold of me.  My only thought was relief, hope that he would stop since he had gotten his wish.  He didn't though.  Over and over, still taunting me that 'his' offspring would kill me when I gave birth to it. 

I do not know how long it went on, but soon enough he found my body unappealing even as it was his spawn disfiguring me.  My hands and feet were freed, but I had lost all desire to escape.  I spent some days pacing, then others curled on the bed that had been the scene of my defilement.  My spirit broken, I had nothing.  The room stayed black, my vision still cut off, but I knew everything within a few weeks.  It was six steps to the left wall.  Ten steps to the wall by the foot of the bed and six steps to the wall to the right.  The headboard was against the fourth wall and there was no door, no windows.  I didn't question this, I accepted it quietly.  As my belly grew more swollen, my mind begin to drift.  I often thought of what it would be like to birth a child, one that I loved.  And I grew attached to the monster dwelling inside me.  My father didn't seek me out.  No one even tried to find me.  All I had was that demonic spawn growing inside me.  Occasionally someone was brought to me.  I was ordered on the bed, and I followed the orders.  I was little more than a pet, and I knew what was coming.  He tortured these souls, for hours, allowing me to gorge myself on their pain.  I wasn't allowed near their blood or bodies, and he always made sure to clean up after himself, but as I said, by this time I had given up on ever leaving this place alive.

The time must have been close because I woke up chained to the bed once more.  This time my legs were chained tightly as well as my hands.  The pain, was indescribable.  Even for one as me.  As my son came into the world, he took a large part of my insides with him.  However I loved him.  Even knowing I was dying.  My tormentor placed my son on my chest once he was free of my body, and I got a brief look at him before he burrowed  himself under my neck, and kept burrowing, as if he couldn't get close enough.  Soon enough his tiny claw pierced my neck, the jugular vein opening easily.  He seemed to take comfort in my blood that was pumping from my body.  I gave birth to a son, and my son killed me.  I prayed that this would be my last death as the life flowed from my body and finally I could see.  The last thing I seen was Spectre holding our son, stroking his face with a finger.  "I should kill him... but seeing as you worked so hard to bring him into the world, I won't.  You can die, knowing you birthed the greatest evil that has seen the light of day in a very long time Princess." 

Into the darkness we descend

Its been so long since I had moments to myself, and I found my diary seriously lacking in updates.  It wasn't long ago, that I sought out Zane.  I remembered me helping him back to being a demon once when Mizaki had made him human.  Once I found him, I told him what I wanted.  The path of magic I was following was destroying my mortal form.  Since I have no chance at redemption, no hope of salvation, I wished to summon a demon, to share my form with.  I wanted to bind a lesser to me, so that the demon would take the physical damage of my magic, leaving me able to continue to practice it.

The ritual went as I expected.  I willingly accepted the demon into my form, binding it to me, and me to it.  It was just one of the lesser imps that are so common in Hell.  With that I was able to continue my necromancy and blood magic, and not have to worry about the affect on the physical form I was cursed with.  Once this was done, I continued playing with the dead bodies I found, bringing them back only to burn them later, keeping my powers only to myself and Denenthorn of course.  He knows everything I do.

Stiletto was brought back.  The Priestess of the Coven and her clan helped bring her back to life.  However she's been absent since her reawakening.  I do thank her though even if she doesn't realize it.  She was the first for an experimental spell I had found.  I was able to bind her to me for a short period of time, and only I could command her.  But ultimately all good things must come to an end, and so she was returned to the Shadows, and I continued to dig up bodies to practice my rituals on.

It was another Covenite that eventually found out about the demon that resided inside of me.  He summoned it forth, and as it fled, it corrupted the vessel, my body.  It was far more fearful of me than it was of the Covenite, and it feared the repercussions of what would happen if Leviathan found out what had happened.  The demons under Leviathan's command are not to aid or assist me.  The fact that this demon was forced to do my bidding would be of no consequence.

For the first time in a long time, I felt, at ease. With my body, with my powers.  I could feel my very being stretching and expanding under the surface, like a dragon awakening.  And I grew.  My knowledge, my power expanded daily.  I was no longer in fear of retribution, anyone that would object to my being was long gone.  And it was with this fearlessness I begin to do research on how to bring back a particular body I had stumbled across.  I poured through the restricted section, I stole books from the library to read in the sewers where I knew my responsibilities wouldn't catch up to me.

Once I knew what I needed to do, I grabbed my personal magic stash and stole away through a portal to mainland.  The portal had taken most of my energy but my cockiness lead me on down the streets, and with a little persuasiveness I got a room in an upper class motel.  I don't think the manager there will ever be able to recover all his senses, but I had things to do.  My confidence has often been a downfall, so I made sure to cast protective charms over the room, and I collapsed in the bed, my energy completely exhausted.

 Over the next couple days, I made the contacts I needed to, resting a lot to summon the energy to form a portal back to Toxia.  To some it was hell, but to me it was home.  Being among mortals made me nervous.  Their minds are so easily manipulated, their bodies so easily twisted to the breaking point and back again.  I fed a lot while there.  So many men willing to follow a stranger with blood red hair and pale blue eyes into alley thinking they would get lucky.  I guess they did in a way, I never killed them, and I always left them in the same physical condition I found them in. 

Once my supplies were gathered, I sent them into the library, and stole away from the hotel in the middle of the night.  Nighttime has always been my preferred time to move.  The dark is comforting me, and it welcomed it's daughter with open arms.  As much as I have counted on the darkness as my ally, I've always known it also hid secrets, and the saying 'there's always a bigger fish' is always true.  But being among mortals for a few days gave me a sense of omnipotence... and no doubt the shark circling me could smell it. 

Such changes

I grow tired of dying.  And I am sure hell's inhabitants get tired of seeing me.  But it seems sometimes in order to grow, one must make sacrifices, even if the sacrifices are not a choice of the one wishing to grow.

Denny killed me this time, well, Denny's 'form' killed me.  He was possessed by the horseman named Death, and apparently I had been infected by War.  Apparently I had killed Mordeth while possessed but since he left the Illuminati later, I do not feel remorse for it.  There was a lot of chaos for the weeks that the horsemen ran rampant...  Once I had died, Leviathan had once again claimed me.  They really do not forget a debt in hell, and I have racked up too many bills that needed to be paid.  Once I had been bound, the chains forged with magic I am unfamiliar with, the demons then begin my, payment.

First my magic was ripped from me, quite literally.  Any creature that has any sort of magical alignment knows that their power is soul deep.  Their powers are a part of them, and natural, much like breathing and mine was no exception.  Due to knowledge I had gained while doing research, my powers were bound to me physically and spiritually.  When they were torn out, I felt as if I was dying a hundred more deaths.  Every fiber of my being protested it and I felt as if I had suddenly been thrown into a pit of acid, the slow eating kind.  The initial pain faded, leaving a dull burning ache in my body, and I felt almost... hollow.  I was then drug to some sort of pit, where my tormentors hung me over it.  The creatures in this pit, were indescribable.  Great, horrid beasts, and my body was just within reach of them.  Slowly they begin to eat and claw at my body, slowly stripping the flesh from me.  Their sharp teeth digging into my muscles, their claws slicing my tendons.  What seemed like days later, my tormentors drug me back from over the pit, most of my body gone, only the vital organs remaining.

They tossed me into a cell, letting my body regenerate as it would.  I drifted in and out of nightmares then, my sins being played in my head over and over.  Somewhere in this strange coma I felt all the fire leave my body, all the warmth, the heat.  I could feel someone calling for me... but they were so far away.  Suddenly I felt myself ripped out of the cell and back into Toxia, Viviane and Miza pulled me back to earth.  In my head I could hear the Beast's roars of his temporary defeat.  All I could do was cling to Viviane and try to keep from losing it.  While I was in hell, it seems Kali had taken over my form.. and was wandering the streets.  And the new form, was unfamiliar, colder, more fluid than the one that was so full of fire and chaos.  I myself seemed, more cool, more level headed. 

After I had recovered, I begin to work with a few others to try and stop these horsemen.  The leaders possessed by the horsmen went down easily enough, but they kept getting back up.  A few spoke of killing them, but I'd rather have a possessed father than none at all, and with Rai being possessed by war..  I was rather against that idea.  Finally what seemed like the absolution, came.  Jaco summoned an arch angel to come and lock the horsemen back up.  She succeeded, but something went horribly wrong and she turned on the city.  This was, predicted by myself and a few others.  After all, an arch angel saving a place like Toxia?  Really?

Obviously, being in a place so full of sin, anyone could have predicted what happened next.  She was corrupted, she lost it.  From the rumors I heard, she went on a murderous rampage, but was taken down by the citizens.  It was a nice little break from the monotony of every day life.  Not every day an angel is the bad guy.  After these events, I begin to meditate, trying to make sense of this new power I was given.  Slowly entering a dark place with each  session, memories flood my mind.  Mine or Denenthorns, I am unsure of.  But another power is calling to me now...

Days go by...

I often wonder, what would happen truly if I just let everything I'm feeling consume me.  If I took that plunge off of the top of the hospital, if I just gave up.  I have been fighting, for so long, and so hard to keep things going, but what is the point if you are the only one fighting?  Family is such... an odd term now days.  I still have my wolves and angels... but as far as internal family, the ones I deal with constantly....  The library is quickly dividing itself.  With romances flaring and dying as quickly as my body seems to embrace changes, it's been a rough couple months.  I've quickly become withdrawn.  I'd rather watch from the sidelines than to be in the inevitable drama.  We've grown, slightly.  Adding Vivian and Felice back to the roster was a boon for us.  Only thing I fear is they are from the older generation of Illuminati and I worry how they will take to changes.

I find myself missing people.  Blue, Stiletto, Vishous, Vinse, Nals, Tora, Shea, Quiet, Xion... The list goes on and on.  I even miss some people that terrified the shit out of me.  There is little I fear now days, other than death, but being human, it's inevitable.  People fear me... and while that in it's self could be a badge of honor, it gets old being avoided.  

My past came back to haunt me, as I mentioned before.  The bond between us was much like a flare.  It flashed and burned, then died out I fear.  He bound himself to me as my familiar, but now, I feel that bond slipping, the connection between us fading fast.  It contributes to my own feelings of worthlessness, and morose.  I find myself walking dark paths... and while I know in the back of my mind, that its just, depression and will soon go away, I can't help but let my self drift further away...  Its much like I told Jaco a couple months ago.  In the dark I am comfortable, in the dark ... I feel at ease and at home.

There has been strange happenings around town lately.  Strange demons have been out and about, opening seals, supposedly trying to summon the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.  I heard rumors of Pestilence being set loose, but I haven't seen any evidence of it...  Besides, it's Toxia... Aren't the horsemen part of a biblical fairy tale that the preachers tell their flock to scare them into behaving?