Monday, April 1, 2013

A shell

The pain has finally stopped.  The thinking, the worrying.  Its all gone.  I am neither there or here.  I feel free.  I exist in a state of stasis, and I feel nothing.  This is heaven for me.  But it doesn't last and I feel myself being sucked out of whatever sort of ectoplasmic bliss I exist in, and suddenly I'm a form again.  A small, dark, wispy form that is plopped in front of Leviathan.  The Beast uncoils itself and for a brief moment, the errant thought of the Beast's gender travels through my mind but I put it aside.  Its at this moment I realize, I don't think I've ever spoke to Leviathan directly.  First Drac was the liason, then whatever imp that pissed the Beast off was sent to me. 

I hear the slight sound of scales across the floor and I tense thinking its a snake.  But it's another Demoness, not too different from what I was.  She crouches in front of me and helps me to a standing position.  She begins to speak, telling me that Kali has abandoned me.  My body, her temple, was desecrated by a great evil and Kali wants nothing more to do with me.  I wait for the rage, for the feeling of betrayal, but there is none.  The Demoness then went on to explain that Leviathan pulled my soul from the abyss.  As she speaks I look the Beast over.  Its both beautiful and revolting.  I feel pulled toward it but I remain where I am. 

She continues to speak, and I nod at appropriate times.  I am now bound to Leviathan completely.  My soul is the Beast's when I pass on from the earth next time.  I think of asking why Leviathan didn't destroy me this time around but I find my voice has escaped me.  And I decide to take the blessing.  She escorts me out of the chamber, and I feel a twinge of loss but shrug it off as I am lead into a smaller room.  There are candles of various lengths and widths covering the wall and for a moment, I am afraid they are going to excorcise me.  Then I remember I'm in hell.  I'm lead to a table where I lay down, and the demoness begins to work on me, restoring my physical form.  Imps wander in and out, bringing various tools and implements.  Leviathan's brand is scarred into my flesh once more.  It should hurt, but it doesn't.  Once she is done, she returns me to where I last called home.  And my mind empties.

As I wander the walls that once housed me, I feel a vague undercurrent of unease, and a touch of hostility.  The Library, she has begun to reject me.  She doesn't know me any longer.  I attempt to comfort her, try to show her who I am, but it doesn't work.  Viviane, my mother, showed up as I wandered the third floor, and spoke of, loving me.  But one look into my eyes, she knew I didn't feel the same way.  I didn't' feel.. anything any longer. 

The next few days blur by.  I wander between the Library and the pit.  I drift aimlessly through the streets, restlessness building.  Finally, I found Father.  Rather he found me while I was sitting in the library.  He asks questions I do not know the answers to.  This irritates me.  He shows no emotion but I know it's there.  I can feel it.  He prods, and prods, he keeps digging until he found the combination to unlock my memories.  A dark storm begins to brew around us and I feel my powers expanding once more, like a beast awakening from a slumber.  I suddenly remember everything.  Spectre, the rape, my son.  I crack, I begin to shriek like a harpy, lashing out at Father.  He simply sits there, weathering the storm, riding it out until I was spent and collapsed on the floor sobbing.

I insist we go back to save my son.  Denenthorn says we can't.  I threaten to go on my own but he points out, no one can save me there.  I am lost.  My adopted family has cast me out.  The library rejects me.  Miza and Jaco are gone.  I am alone and so very much feel it.  My powers are sporadic now.  And Spectre taunts me in my dreams.  He cost me my family, my magic, my very life.  And yet he's not done.  I fear, he will not stop until he destroys me, in order to pursue his destruction of Denenthorn.