Saturday, October 22, 2011

OOC Post

As some people may know, and some do not, I had a sort of mental melt down friday night.  I ended up deleting half of my friends' list, leaving groups, wiping out Savannah's profile, and disappeared for a few hours to calm down.  I have no words to say how sorry I am to those that I hurt, but it was a long time coming.  I have been dealing with several ooc issues in the sim that I roleplay in.  Mostly people trying to start crap between me and my partner, or some of the higher ups talking down to me.  I am saddened to think after two years in the same place, solid years with only a few days taken here and there, that I was basically told I am nothing there.  All this has been boiling under the surface for a few weeks, and it just erupted.  However, I am better now, trying to think how to patch things, wondering if some things are worth patching.  Also found out that someone I considered close to me was passing skype ims I had wrote to them around.  I get overwhelmed easily.  I have never been one to be able to deal with groups of people, ic or ooc.  And I think that added fuel to the fire.  For now, I'm on a break from the place where I rp, to get my head on straight, and do some rebuilding.  I am sorry to those that care, and those that immediately went into my ims to bash me for walking away from the rp... thanks for showing me your real side.

To those that cared, and were there to pick up the pieces and offer hugs and love, I love you, you know who you are <3


Friday, October 7, 2011

Life and Death, an endless cycle"

I grow tired.  It is unsurprising.  The city dynamics have changed, the streets, the inhabitants.  There is so little fear in town now.  I thank the goddess daily that I don't feed on emotions.  Unless I was a succubus I'd probably starve to death.  I spend a lot of time reading, watching, collecting.  Even the violence that used to be weaved in Toxia seems to be lacking unless one of the monsters show up...

Miza died.  One of the very few that I considered blood kin, and treated her as such.  I found her body in the courthouse, after smelling blood.  I didn't think about how she got there, I just was thinking, no, it can't be her.  She was all that left of my humanity when I left the Rights.  I collected her body and took off to the one person I thought could fix anything.  Jaco.  Immediately he thought I did it, of course, but once he seen how upset I was, how badly I wanted to bring her back he agreed to try and help me.  We took her body to the arena and I held it close to my own.  As if my soul could bring hers back.  Then Death came to claim her... I refused to let her go.  A deal was made, my immortality for hers.  She would live, but I had to die.  And not by my own hand...  About this time my brother walked up, the same brother who was in debt to Death for my soul.  HE had been cast on the island to kill me.  So in one motion, he destroyed me, releasing himself from debt, and bringing Miza back.  I knew it was coming this time, I was prepared.  There was no limbo, just, the sound of Hex's blade in the air, then Death dragging me to hell.

The moment we reached his lair he was upon me.  His foot dug into my spine as he gripped a wing in each hand.  "You thought you could outsmart me child?" he hissed then with a tug backwards, he ripped the wings from my back, taking away my power, my angelic immortality.  "So selfless are we?"  His tone was so cold, and sarcastic.  I found it hard to concentrate on him much, most of my focus on the pain of having my wings ripped out.  It was as if he damaged my very soul and he may have...  I said little, just making sure he made good on his part of the deal.  Once he answered affirmative, I fell silent and took what he decided for me.  When he found my soul was bound to Xion's, oh he was pissed.  He couldn't collect it, as Xion has never cheated him, and since my soul is bound to his... that much of my existence was spared.

I do not know how long I was there, could have been hours, or days.... or weeks.  He would torture me to the point of death, bring me back, then do it again.  I was a mortal stuck in hell.  In every literal and figurative sense.  Ever inch of my body was abused, every part violated.  I felt my mind twisting, trying to escape the torture, mentally at least.  It didn't work.  He knew what I was doing, so then the mental torture begin.  I just wanted him to end me.  I no longer cared about my soul, or anything.  I just wanted it to stop, and it wouldn't...

He took a break, letting one of his servants heal me when a visitor showed up.  I do not know what she came for.  I was barely able to see her, or him.  Off note, its odd I've always referenced to death as male, when in truth it shows no sexual characteristics... but I digress.  Once I was healed the demon nursing me, bound me once more in chains and brought me to Death and his visitor.  "I am not giving you a choice." the woman spoke to my tormentor with a cold firm tone.  I looked up to her, and she smiled at me, almost a motherly manner.  "She sacrificed herself out of love to another, she doesn't deserve this sort of eternity."  Death barked out a laugh and replied, "Its not about what she deserves it is what she owes me."  Suddenly he glared down to me, and wrapped his fingers in my hair, jerking my hair back so I was forced to look at him.  "Die again little one, and there is nothing on earth, heaven or hell that will save you.  You allow yourself in my domain again and I will kill that infernal cat, as well as your beloved husband... "  He then threw my body at the woman who wrapped her arms around me, and we disappeared.

The next thing I knew, I heard someone sobbing.  I moved closer to the sound, unsteady suddenly.  Looking down, I had hooves, and.. a tail.  Shaking my head, I moved closer to the source of the crying, and found Jaco, who looked at me, almost in horror.  After a brief, conversation, I took off back home.  It wasn't long till I discovered, what I had become.  My skin as black as the knight, with my goddess's blessing scrawled across it.  Horns, ornate and beautiful... I was a demon, again.  From angel to demon.  I was back.