The Past

 As I drift off into the warm dark space your mind creates for you when it simply cannot take anymore, I begin to remember a different time.  The deeper I fell into this pain free portal, the more I seemed to remember. 

One of my earliest memories was being on the Queen's lap, I remember sitting there while she held me and passed judgement. She wore the longest necklaces so I'd entertain myself by playing with those while she kept me on her knees.  I remember meeting all sorts of creatures of the court, goblins, cyclops, redcaps, and they were my friends, or I thought they were.  They were so very kind to me unlike the seelie court I rarely seen.  The seelies, even at my young age, were not to be trusted.  While at first they'd compliment the Queen on her adopted off spring, they'd quietly gossip behind her back about how she stole me from the seelie court.  Even when I did not know what they meant, I knew to be ashamed of myself and who I was.

I avoided the courts as much as possible as I grew older.  There was a side of the Queen there that I did not care for when she was on that throne.  While in private, she was truly a mother to me, warm and caring, once she put on her crown and sat in her court, all traces of humanity left her.  She tried to interest me in the politics but I'd prefer to be elsewhere when she passed her judgements.  As the only female fae child in the court, I always had a group of guards with me, and nothing gave me greater pleasure then being able to escape them.  Even at a young age, I was able to evade them.  I found out while my breasts were barely budding that I could pull and call shadows to my side.  I'd cloak myself in them, hide things from others in them, use them to travel so I could get away from the guards.  However, once I was hiding behind the Queen's throne, and seen the punishment she administered to the guard who lost me and I quickly lost my taste for hiding.  From that day until I left for the trials, I made sure my guards could keep an eye on me at all times.  Some I were fond of, some I did not care for but I always kept my opinions to myself.  My foster mother had a taste for the whip and poison to punish her contingent of guards.  They were all pure Fae so they were more or less immortal but the pain I witnessed her inflict upon them troubled me deeply. 

Once during a feast she hosted for the Winter Solstice, I feel like I seen her cruelty hit new depths.  She was already irritated with me, my complaining about my gown, my tiara, my jewels.  I found them pretty but impractical.  She was upset that I thought she'd let anything disrupt her feast and she had spent a lot on my clothing.  So I was pouting while I sat at her left hand, her oldest, most loyal guard at her right as her escort for the evening.  I remember a king of one of the lesser courts was trying to bargain with her for my hand for his oldest son who was old enough to be my father.  I was not old enough for marriage and the Queen spoke of a being that I was already promised to.  The king became aggressive and begin to make insinuations about how the Queen would lose her court by not using me to cement alliances, the wine at the table making him much braver than he should have been.

With a gesture toward her escort, she leaned back and simply smiled at the King.  That expression terrified me more than anything else she would have done.  The smile lacked any warmth, any happiness.  She looked like she was carved from the same marble as the statues in our gardens.  The guard stood up and called the others to him.  They surrounded the King and his son, binding them with iron chains that she reserved for her more powerful enemies. Seeing their skin begin to smoke, I started to excuse myself, I had no taste for her torture, but with a look, she pinned me to my chair.  

Over the next several hours, she peeled the father's flesh from his body and made his son wear it, she then would use the whip on them both.  Once she was tired, she summoned the redcaps to come lap their blood which they did with a sickening eagerness.  Finally, her lead guard suggested she let the son live as a cautionary tale to others who dare question her authority to which she reluctantly agreed.  They let the son out of his chains, but made him sit next to me while she finished with his father.  His eyes were wide, his expression making him appear so much younger than he was.  Under the table I reached for his hand, unable to help but offer him a comforting touch.  The moment my flesh touched his, his wounds begin to pour blood, causing him to shriek and jump back, knocking his chair over, pointing at me screaming that I was trying to kill him.  He then lunged at me grabbing the knife off of the table from in front of me, and I screamed, throwing my hands up in defense, crying out in pain as his knife slid across my wrist, causing my blood to spurt out.  

In the next moments, a young, newer guard to my Queen's grouping, leaped over the table and drove his head into the prince's stomach, knocking him backward and on his rear end.  He then snatched off his scarf and made his way to me, wrapping my wrist and summoning a healer.  My entire body was shaking as I stood there, feeling a stirring in my blood that was like a kettle getting ready to boil over.  My breaths grew shallower, my eyes still on my attacker, for the first time in my life wanting to lash out, wanting to hurt someone, feeling the urge coiling in my stomach like a snake ready to strike.  With a furious growl, I took a single step toward the prince and extended my hand toward him, my own blood crawling along my arm then rushed to my fingertips, exploding toward him.  The blood twisted like thorns and wrapped around the prince's throat, shadows clamoring over one another to cover his body, the combination of both causing the sound of tearing flesh to fill the hall, his shrieks being drowned out by the sound of the shadows feasting on his blood, his skin, ripping his limbs apart.  

It wasn't long until what remained of the prince was left on the floor, and I stood there, still trembling but feeling a slight kindred to my foster mother for the first time in my life.  The shadows dispersed, pleased with their feast as I looked around, seeking out the one person I knew would not be disgusted by my actions, and I found her, paused over the father, her expression torn between amusement at my antics and anger at upstaging her.  "You," she barked at the guard who was still holding my wrist, his eyes the size of small saucers, almost stinking of fear.  "Take my foster daughter to her room so she can have her wounds attended to and clean up.  Athilephila!" she looked back at the father, than to me.  "Once you are tended to and clean, come see me in my bedchambers."  She then turned her attention back to her own victim, and the guard very gently gripped my arm, directing me back to the chambers where I lived.  

After I was cleaned up and my wound sufficiently healed, I made my way to her bedchamber, slightly dreading the scene I'd see there.  Sure enough, her head guard was naked on the bed, sprawled out looking sleepy.  I averted my eyes.  My foster mother was strangely possessive of her bedmates and I don't even think I would have gotten away with looking at someone she was sleeping with.  

"Athilephila," my foster mother crooned, and perched on the edge of her bed, her own body barely covered by the thin robe she wore.  "How old are you now child?"
With a tired lift of my shoulders I answered, "I think I passed fifteen years this past winter,"
She sighed and stood up, nodding slowly, "Then it is time to send you to train for the trials," she muttered looking almost sad as she moved toward me and grasped my chin in her fingers, forcing me to look up at her, my head only coming up to her chest.  "I had hoped to keep you with me a little longer since we are unsure of your powers but tonight... tonight can't happen again."  She then pushed my head backwards, causing me to stumble back and almost fall.  "The trials?"  I was so confused, was I being punished?  Rewarded? 
"The Trials," she repeated and sighed as she perched back on her bed, reaching over to grip her guard's thigh.  "You need to be trained so things like tonight do not happen again."  She attempted to dismiss me but I stood there, refusing to leave without answers.  "What are the trials, foster mother?" I asked her, my voice as icy as hers was at dinner. 
"Child you do not outrank me even here," She stood up suddenly, and marched back over to me, grasping my throat with her fingers and squeezing as she yanked me closer.  "Perhaps I should have drowned you so you could have joined your parents..."  

Well tonight was having a lot of first so I decided to add a new one.  "And what of this individual that you promised me to?  I seen fear in your eyes tonight when you mentioned them."  I sounded strangled and prepared for her to rip my throat out.  I was not prepared for her to let go of me and step back, looking as shocked as her guard was with my retort.  She quickly recovered and called for another guard to take me back to my room,  "You'll find out tomorrow, child." she spat out, and I let the other guard drag me out of her room.

The Present

 I settled down into my favorite fork of my favorite tree in the court, mostly hidden from anyone's eyes. 
If anyone was to look carefully they might see my red hair contrasting with the darkness of the bark and leaves, but most of the court was too busy with their own dramas and lives to be bothered to look for me.  I knew my foster mother would seek me soon enough.  She had a knack for needing me when I needed to be alone so it would not be long now.

My hands gripped the sweets I had managed to pilfer from the kitchen under the throne room, and I slowly begin to break the cookies apart, carefully eating each and every crumb as I hid.  Then all too soon I heard the summons from my foster mother.  For a moment I debated ignoring it but I knew if I did she would send her guards to seek me out and they were much less tolerant of me than she was.  I had scars on my back from defying them before.

With a sigh I dropped out of the tree silently and begin to make my way across the garden, dusting my hands as I went.  While she did preferred me to appear formal in her court, I did not have time to change into one of my formal court approved gowns so I sought her out still in my hunting gear, knowing she would be displeased with my appearance.  My legs carried me across the courtyard and up the stairs to her throne room, making long strides as I tried to appear calm but inside I was anything but.  The look of displeasure on her face as she looked me over was the highlight of the morning.  The guards often whispered I would have been more at home in pants than a dress but never within her hearing knowing her temper would cause them to lose their place in her bed.

"Athilephila, nice of you to dress up for our meeting," her voice was like ice, matching the frozen eyes set in her face.  I quickly dropped to one knee at the foot of the stairs below her throne, "My apologies my queen, Queen Valya," I murmured, looking at the carpet I knelt upon.  "I came as soon as I heard your summons.  Had I known you needed me in full court dress I would have used my powers of Telepathy to predict you would have summoned me and changed earlier."  My sarcasm earned a snicker from Telvon, one of my foster mother's newest guards.  He was still new so his frequent copulation with the queen caused him to have a more pleasant disposition than the older, more celibate guards. 
I heard my foster mother snap her fingers, and there was sudden silence.  Not even the creak of metal from the armor everyone wore, I couldn't even hear anyone breathing.  "Come here foster daughter."  the queen ordered, and I looked up at her as I stood, then made my way to the throne next to hers, a seat reserved for her heir.  

"Foster mother," I begin to say, only to be silenced by her putting a hand up to indicate I stop speaking.  "While you are wise to remind me of our relationship to each other, I will one day no longer put up with your impertinence.  You believe you are amusing but there will be a time when that mouth of yours will cause you more issues than you will be able to handle."  She then made a dismissive gesture to her guards and all but two left the room.  Her two oldest, most loyal soldiers moved closer to her as I crossed my legs and tried to at least appear somewhat royal.  I knew these two were not fooled but as far as the rest were concerned, I was the princess of the Unseelie court, so clandestine meetings between myself and the Queen were frequent.
"I hear you did very well in your trials," she said, her stature relaxing as she leaned over, placing her elbow on the arm of her throne, and resting her chin on her hand. 
With a shrug I reached down to pick at the leather on my pants, "I messed up a little but when your competition is only two other fae who's blood is dirtier than mine its not exactly hard to excel."  I risked a look at her, smiling as I seen her smirk, knowing I said the right thing.  "So humble." she murmured and sighed, sitting back up and resting back against her throne.  "You have come of age, so beautifully, and exceeded my expectations.  However, there are two more tasks you must complete..."

As I started to protest, after all I had done more than any other youngling in centuries to prove myself worthy of taking her throne.  The trace of seelie blood in me caused the courts distress.  They'd rather any other creature lead them than a Fae with mixed blood.  She silenced me again, and looked out over her empty throne room, and seen a hint of sadness behind her icy gaze.  "First, tell me of your tests again.  Tell me what you did." 
I groaned and uncrossed my legs, and crossed my arms, knowing the fact we were mostly alone was the only reason I'd get away with my open defiance.  "There was a magic test, a physical test, and an endurance test."  I muttered, then caught her glaring at me so I sighed, "What would you like to know about exactly foster mother?"  Her lips curled in a small smile, "Your powers. Your magics.  We all know your physical strength isn't impressive even if you passed the trials and you are proficient with your bow and staff.  I want more details on what the Masters found you could do."

 After listening to her, I slumped in my chair, staring into the distance blankly.  "You already know what they found out." I knew I sounded like a grumpy child but my powers still frightened me and the Masters I had, were not confident I'd ever be in one hundred percent control of them.  She looked at me then summoned one of the two remaining guards to us.  "Strip your chest." she commanded him and he did so, without hesitation.   She then waved her hand at his bare skin, causing slashes to appear, and bleed, his gasp of pain startling me.  "Show me, or he dies." she said looking back at me expectantly.  While I hesitated, she made the same motion at him, causing more cuts, more blood to flow down his stomach into the waist band of his pants.  "FINE, STOP." I shouted jumping up from the chair only to have her fingers encircle my wrist.  "You don't need to touch him, so show me from here."  Her eyes sparked with maliciousness as she looked up at me.

With a disgusted glance toward the woman I still called foster mother, I extended my hand out toward the guard, using the finger movements I had been taught, and ordered his blood to go back into his body.  Then twisting my wrist like I was turning a knob, her and I both watched as the blood traveled back up his chest, and into the wounds, the wounds healing as a moment passed.  Once he was healed I looked back down at the queen, "done?" I asked her coldly and yanked my wrist away from her grasp. "Almost." she said with a wicked grin.  "Now redo them."  I started to protest but seeing the look on her face I didn't bother, and instead twisted my wrist in the opposite direction, calling his blood back to me.  The wounds reopened, causing him to pour blood once more.  He stood there, looking at the Queen in fear but did not move, did not try to stop himself from bleeding out.  After what seemed like an eternity, she made a dismissive gesture and I immediately turned my wrist back, healing him once more.

The guard fell to his knees, trying to catch his breath, and dizzy I'm sure.  Having blood pulled in and pushed back into one's body can really do some weird things to your anatomy.  Seeing that the Queen was satisfied, I flopped back into my chair, and glared at the ground.  "Athilephila," said the Queen softly, looking over at me.  "What do you know of your parents?"  COnfused I looked up at her, "Only what you told me, my Queen.  That they were a mating couple who produced me and died shortly afterwards."  Her raven hair glowed dully in the dim lights of the throne room as she shook her head, and sighed softly, looking weary for the first time since I've known her.  "No child.  It is time you knew the truth about who you are, who you will be, and who you are going to be for this court."

With another sigh she dismissed her last 2 guards, leaving us alone in the the throne room, and she reached over, taking my hand in hers while she stared blankly forward.  "I felt you come into this world twice, Athilephila.  The first time, it was brief, and I had assumed you were still born.  Many of our kind, cannot survive the world once they enter it.  It depends on the couple, the courts, and many other factors.  But then, I felt you enter the world again. See, as one who is supposed to emulate fertility to our people, I used to be able to help babes live, and I could feel them enter this world.  However, as our numbers dwindle so do our powers."

As I started to speak, she held up her other hand.  "Silence.  I will finish my story," she said, glancing at me until I gave a nod showing I understood, then she looked back over the empty room.  "So to feel the same babe, enter into the world twice was nothing short of unusual, so I sought you out.  The day I found you, a great winged man had you.  He allowed me to take you, and bring you amongst our people so that you would live, and learn our ways, as well as the ways of others.  That day, I also found treachery among my court.  An unseelie noble decided to have sex with a seelie noble, and you were the result of that.  Luckily, the seelie blood in you is faint so you don't have too much light.  You certainly look unseelie..."  Letting go of my hand she reached up and twirled my hair between her fingers.  "But you still have some seelie.  The fact your powers can heal and kill... You can bring life back to plants, animals, people... as long as they haven't been dead too long.  And even if they have you can raise them to do your bidding.  That is a rare talent among our courts."

She dropped my hair and grasped my fingers once more.  "I had your parents killed.  When their encounter resulted in you, they should have let me know so I could foster you properly.  But they decided instead to let you perish in the snow, and then somehow the winged man brought you back."  I simply nodded, stunned by what she said.  I did not mourn my parents, you cannot mourn what you never had.  The admission from her though, that was unusual.  She usually did what she thought was best and never asked for forgiveness or gave care to what others thought.  "I tell you this because you are almost ready to rejoin your winged father.  He stated you have god blood in you and you are destined for things greater than ruling this court Athilephila." she continued.  "Two more trials.  I know you think you should be done but, two more and then you will go back to your winged father, fully pledged to our courts, and able to come and go as you wish."

With that she called for her guards, and as they came back in, two of them seized me, causing me to protest and start trying to fight but they had my arms locked in iron cuffs, which sizzled against my skin.  "What.. .why are you having me jailed?" I shouted at her as they drug me from my chair, and positioned me in front of her. The expression on her face was one of pain and regret, something no one had ever seen from her before.  "You are not being jailed, my child.  This next part of your tasks, is one no one likes, and not everyone will succumb to it.  So we need to take precautions to make sure you can't flee."  She gestured with her hand, and the guards drug me to the floor, and forced me to my knees, ripping the back of my tunic open to expose my bare flesh.  I heard the queen walk toward us, the rustling of her dress, her heels making muted clicks against the floor.  She crouched before me, cupping my chin in her hand as she lifted my head.  "I'm so sorry my child." she whispered, then looked behind me and nodded.  A door opened and I could smell the scent of burning metal, and I tried to struggle, but the guards were bigger and stronger than I was and with the cuffs on, I couldn't even call my magic.  She looked back into my eyes and murmured, "sleep" as I felt the metal touch my back, then I screamed once the heat set in, the smell of burning flesh filling the air as I shrieked.  The metal was still there as I succumbed to my foster mother's order, the pain making it so very easy to slip into a deep dark place.