Days go by...

I often wonder, what would happen truly if I just let everything I'm feeling consume me.  If I took that plunge off of the top of the hospital, if I just gave up.  I have been fighting, for so long, and so hard to keep things going, but what is the point if you are the only one fighting?  Family is such... an odd term now days.  I still have my wolves and angels... but as far as internal family, the ones I deal with constantly....  The library is quickly dividing itself.  With romances flaring and dying as quickly as my body seems to embrace changes, it's been a rough couple months.  I've quickly become withdrawn.  I'd rather watch from the sidelines than to be in the inevitable drama.  We've grown, slightly.  Adding Vivian and Felice back to the roster was a boon for us.  Only thing I fear is they are from the older generation of Illuminati and I worry how they will take to changes.

I find myself missing people.  Blue, Stiletto, Vishous, Vinse, Nals, Tora, Shea, Quiet, Xion... The list goes on and on.  I even miss some people that terrified the shit out of me.  There is little I fear now days, other than death, but being human, it's inevitable.  People fear me... and while that in it's self could be a badge of honor, it gets old being avoided.  

My past came back to haunt me, as I mentioned before.  The bond between us was much like a flare.  It flashed and burned, then died out I fear.  He bound himself to me as my familiar, but now, I feel that bond slipping, the connection between us fading fast.  It contributes to my own feelings of worthlessness, and morose.  I find myself walking dark paths... and while I know in the back of my mind, that its just, depression and will soon go away, I can't help but let my self drift further away...  Its much like I told Jaco a couple months ago.  In the dark I am comfortable, in the dark ... I feel at ease and at home.

There has been strange happenings around town lately.  Strange demons have been out and about, opening seals, supposedly trying to summon the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.  I heard rumors of Pestilence being set loose, but I haven't seen any evidence of it...  Besides, it's Toxia... Aren't the horsemen part of a biblical fairy tale that the preachers tell their flock to scare them into behaving?

Tired...

The change didn't happen.  For the life of me, no matter how I look at it, I don't understand.. .not that understanding is ever a good quality of a human.  But I have looked and analyzed and thought every step we took to get the wolves help, and for it to fall through... I don't get it.  Part of me is angry... because Stray took the illness from me, and in some weird move made us both revert to a human form.  If Zoey would have bit me, that wouldn't have happened.  Part of me, is doubting myself, and maybe Zoey seen something in me that she didn't want to see as a wolf, and that is why she backed out at the last moment.  And a very tiny, very hidden part of my  mind is pleased that she didn't.  I feared what the full moons would look like with me as a four legged beast with a temper that would rival any demons and a hair trigger.

I can't stand being human... I'm sitting in the library now, huddled up next to the fire to try and keep the chilly air of the city from setting in my bones.  I have options.  There has been vampires offering to restore me back to what I was before all the changes... and I'm sure if I killed myself, as soon as Leviathan and Kali were done, they'd turn me loose back onto the city.  And still, there are other wolves I suppose but I feel dirty going to anyone but Zoey, and my general fears of Lycans keeps me from taking that route.  So I exist.  Only good thing that happened was the Coven shop was able to unlock a part of Cole's fuck up and at least restore my magic and most of my demonic powers, but even though they are mine, they tire me so.  I feel so wiped out after trying to use them that I've almost given up and resigned myself to being just ... another human.

Emotions, I was pleased to learn, didn't quite overwhelm me this time.  I can still lie effortlessly, and most of the time my conscience doesn't even lift her hateful little head.  The only issues I've found is when I'm close to someone, and it seems the closer I am to them, the harder it is to lie to them.  So I've been distancing myself from most, trying to keep that wall up in order to protect them and myself.  The city's been too quiet.  I want to cause mischief, and as soon as I find some better stories I plan on doing just that.

I've been having nightmares.  While I share an apartment with Stray I have taken to sleeping in the library.  My own screams wake me more often than not and she doesn't need the lack of sleep.  Denny has been, absent.  I need someone to vent to, but my options seem to run thinner than ever so I just keep my head down and go about my business as usual.  One thing I am not adjusting to, is that this body needs so much rest... and I can't afford it.  Perhaps death will claim me after all and perhaps when I stand in hell once more I can beg for mercy.  One of Denny's alternate personalities has claimed my soul would fetch a rather high price in hell's market...  I didn't know they had one of those honestly but I'd rather not find out.

My past, never seems to stay where it belongs.  Someone came back, just when I had managed to lock away those pesky emotions, someone pops up and breaks them out.  Someone with whom I had so much history with... a person that at one time sacrificed everything for me... and I infected him so long ago with my own soul so that he would be like me... He says he loves me, but it feels as if my heart is a raw lump inside my chest right now... Time will tell if he will stick around to be with the broken shadow of the princess he loved, or if he will break me further.  I care, I just don't want to feel that feeling of loss anymore.  I just don't like the emotional pain anymore.  Mortality sucks.

Beginning of the end or end of the beginning?

Its always odd, even to me, how much being close to death, makes you think.  As I sit here and write this, my mind seems to flip through the previous few months and all that has happened.  The most notable thing, was that Drac abandoned me.  I do not think, I shall ever trust another soul as I trusted him.  He was a demon after all, and it was inevitable I am told, but it doesn't seem to dull the pain.  Even knowing now, he still keeps in contact with people except me... it hurts.  And not in a good way.  Shortly after I came to the realization that he no longer cared if I lived or died, my powers seemed to be reverting.  I became, volatile, unstable.  Setting fire to any and all things, screwing people's mentality up even when I didn't mean to.  Since I was in the library, I knew I had to fix it so I took a visit to the voodoo shop to visit my new friend Cole, and have him lock away the demonic powers since Drac had taken any control I had of them with him when he left. 

My powers didn't seem too eager to leave me.  They clung to me as a child does to it's mother the first day of school.  Cole begin to get frustrated and pissed me off since he knew the angrier I was, the more power I could pull.  I think he began to develop a taste for the demonic power he was trying to harness because soon he begin to drain more energy from me than I could regenerate.  I tried to tell him to stop but he just grew more angry and with a wave of his hand, I, along with my demon side, was pulled from my body and trapped in a stone.  I think some deep small part of him knew what he did, but his inexperience was the least of my issues.  Now my body was a shell as I was trapped.  I knew nothing and could see nothing for however long it was.  It was like being in limbo once more.  Unpleasant and boring.  Next thing I knew, I was face down in front of the church, once more with wings on my back.  Denenthorn had brought me back, though how was a question that was answered later.

The wings didn't last long.  I hated them as I did before.  And having to bury Jaco as well as Top was hard on me.  That is a scene I never want to watch again for as long as I live.  Jaco plunging from the top of Port Authority and dragging Tops with him... The sight of his broken body still haunt me at night when my fears and doubts begin to suffocate me.  And what was left of Tops... Even me, who has ripped apart countless people, played in as many entrails as a butcher, that gave me nightmares.  She was an innocent bystander, however why she was in Toxia when she told me she was sent for a mission is something I have questioned. 


I took over the library when she died.  And the family was my salvation for a time.  Seeing Jaco back as an angel was a huge shock.  Him with wings.. but he wears them better than I ever could.  But I was never happy with wings.  So I had Shadow rip them off.  I hadn't counted on him not knowing to stop the wounds, so I think I bled to death, and Jaco brought me back as a cat... of all things, a cat.  But I suppose it is better than most things that could have happened.  And my family was my support, my everything.  And I poured energy, time, devotion into the library, and we grew and was happy, for a time.

Denenthorn walked into the library late one evening with a letter from the higher ups.  He took over from me.  I stuck around to try and ease the transition but it isn't an easy one.  We've lost family member after family member to various reasons.  It seems some days I'm completely alone.  I still have Rai and Zoey, but they have their own issues to deal with their Pack.  And Denenthorn continues to push what fragile trust I have with him.  Stabbing me in the back, tossing me from a building, mocking me when I took on his pain.  This coming after him forcing six thousand years worth of memories his life into my head when he reformed me.  He has no secrets from me now.  And that is a blessing and a curse in itself. 

But now, I am dying.  I ordered Stray to pull the poison that flowed through Denenthorn's system and force it into my own.  I had forgotten for a moment that I was a mere mortal and this poison that had been slowly killing an immortal was far worse than anything I had experienced.  Tonight a change will happen, and whether I am alive or dead when the morning sun rises is up to the three I've entrusted with my life.  Death is calling me and I do not want to answer...

Lessons learned

My own screams echoed in my ear, the fading taste of my blood in my mouth.  A fine way to spend the night no?  All I was doing was playing a prank on Mord of the library.  I took his hat.  Thats all... I may be a demon, but I'm still a baby by demon standards, and I like to cause mischievousness as well as chaos.  I think sometimes others forget that I was young before being cursed... but thats neither here nor there...

Drac had been gone a while.  I was growing restless, and having fed on a newly turned vampire, I decided I wanted to run rampant for a bit.  Yeah that went over well.  I was running around, causing mischief, doing silly little things that entertained me.  Once I made my rounds, I found Mord, and with a brow wiggle, I stole his hat and took off.  I hadn't got more than a few feet when I heard a roaring in my ears, telling me to give it back and start acting right.  I ignored it as I headed on up the road, but a sense of foreboding filled me.  I quickly turned and scampered back to the library, thrusting Mord's hat back at him.  As soon as I did, I felt talon's digging in my shoulders and I was drug downwards, into the ground.  I screamed, but I kept being pulled.

Once I reached my destination, I was dropped hard, on the ground.  I sighed and stood up, brushing the dirt off my thighs, pulling my skirt down, before I looked up.  His face, was disapproving, his eyes cold.  "What the hell... do you think you are doing up there Savannah?"  he asked, his tone hard and left no even remote tone of affection.  I immediately looked back down, and begin to fiddle with the hem of my skirt, taking a few deep breaths.  "Having fun?" I finally whispered.  He begin to laugh, and I peeked up at him through my bangs, his face amused, but the smile held so much sadism to it.  "Fun? You want fun?" he asked, then grabbed a handful of my hair dragging me down a hallway.  The next few hours, were filled with pain, sex, more pain, more sex.  My mind completely forgot about those in Tox I should be concerned with, and I had to focus on him, and what he was doing to me.  The last part of the 'fun' as he called it, he took a talon and rebranded Leviathan's mark on my chest, before re-enchanting the dragon that hung around my neck as a symbol to her, and him, that I was theirs.

He then took me in his arms and simply held me for a while, not saying much.  To some, it would look like a rare moment of affection, the demon trying to comfort his chylder, but in reality, he was keeping me from being able to heal myself, being able to stop the blood flow.  Making sure I felt every tiny twinge of pain and darkness that he had spent the hours before inflicting on me.  His nose trailed over my ear, and down my neck, keeping my mind on him when it should have been wandering toward my obligations, and I let him.  I was tired of fighting, tired of missing him.  I was like a sponge, soaking up whatever attention he decided to give me, and a tiny part of me hated it.  Hated the way he knew me, the way he played my affections.  Yet I didn't struggle, didn't ask to go back.  He sent me back when he was done, saying he'd see me soon, and to behave.

Once back in Tox, I find myself unable to control the demonic urges like I once did.  The stranger part was, I didn't really find that I wanted to.  I was tired, sore, hungry, weak.  First thing I did was corner ... something, the memory isn't really there, and wasn't important.  I fed on him, then finally managed to get back into my human form, but it felt... almost wrong.  Like I was wearing clothes that didn't fit anymore.  But I have to keep the guise up, at least for now, in interest for the library.

I miss him.  Ass.

Cupid should be shot?

Strange times ... strange times.  The city is constantly changing yet the undercurrent remains the same.  Politics abound, backstabbing runs rampant.  Fun times correct?  Its in the midst of all this undermining where I settle myself, watching, waiting.  I found myself a job at the library, and I've turned into a quiet little bookworm.  I've always enjoyed the library and working for them, I get access to all the books I want to read.  Not a bad deal no?  I've already managed to strike a deal with the prowlers, then root out a mole we had working for Lourden. Perhaps I have found my calling or perhaps it is just what suits me now?  It seems sometimes my interests are as varied as the citizens of this dirty little hovel.

But obviously with me being a librarian, it suits my natural curiosity.  However, the old saying curiosity killed the cat works for vampires as well as cats.  I can't seem to stop my attraction for the darker things in the city.  the darker the better for me, and it draws me like a magnet.  So its no wonder I found him.  He was standing in front of the haven, in our little town square.  There was... waves of arrogance rolling off of him.  Even as a vampire, I can see a big ego.  I approached him, and once the banter was over and I found out who he was, I was immediately intrigued.  The former Lord of Shadows, Dracon himself.  Decided to 'grace' us with his presence. I wasn't all that impressed, although most of the former leaders refuse to come back to our city which is strange.  You'd think they'd come around and strike terror but, that is their decision not mine.  Dracon had a job he needed done, he wanted research, he wanted answers.  In exchange, he'd let me feed, as I needed.  His blood granted a temporary immunity to fire, so I jumped on the deal.  It cost me very little other than time and a bit of begging from the higher ups in the library.

Once I got some ideas I begin to experiment.  Dracon had a vial of the Guardian's blood that he gifted me with, so I took that, combined it with some of Blue's blood.  I then combined that with a piece of Dracon's essence that he let me play with as I was doing my research.  The blood begin to mix with it's self, and a darkness descended on the basement of the library.  By the time I realized what a fuck up I had done, it was too late.  The mist rising off the blood grabbed me, and begin to cut me, pinning me to the table as it almost, seemed to lap up my blood, feeding it into the piece of essence that was on table with the blood.  I finally lost consciousness and when I came to, I could hear Stiletto yelling at me from the floor above.  I only wanted blood at this point.  And lots of it... The next few hours were a haze, filled with strange visions of shadows hanging from the ceiling, Stiletto's blood, Drac's blood, Drac passing out... It wasn't until after I had drank my fill and my mind begin to clear, I realized the full extent of my mistake.  Because the blood I combined had used my blood to fuel it's fusion with Dracon's essence, I had bound myself to him.  My pain was his pain, my pleasure was his as well.  We were both, horrified by this although this did come with an unexpected bonus.  No one would harm me so long as they respected him, because they didn't wish it to pain him.

Days went by, I continued to feed from him, while doing research on how to get this curse off of myself.  I couldn't do anything without him there, he was always behind me, beside me.  Like a demented, guardian or stalker. And, I got closer to him as I tend to do when I feed from the same person.  And it was through this the inevitable happened.  Afterward, he tried to claim me as his mate and I refused that title.  I claimed I wasn't a dog, or a cat.  Mating is for animals.  Plus I was unsure if it was us, or the bond keeping us together. So, time passed, and I found myself craving his presence, longing for his voice.  Even after I sought out Mik and had him give me a spell that would remove the bond, Dracon stayed by my side.  And I felt, something I hadn't felt even with Shea... Something that I don't think there is even a word for...

Sometimes I think I have ESP.  Dracon and I was having a talk before the full moon about him turning Blue back into a demon.  He said he could turn me as well, but I knew all too well what that would entail.  And I begged him not to.  I told him, that if I was to die, to let me this time.  I owe a debt to Death as well as to Kali.  Even through his denial I was sure he'd just, let me go.  He didn't like vampires anyways.  And we just turn to dust when we die.  On the full moon I was strolling around, and found myself cornered by a wolf.  Most wolves in the city avoid me, even in feral form.  But this one, I hadn't seen before, and it attacked me.  It lunged and I kicked, it bit and I swung at it.  But, in the end, it opened my torso open.  Ripped open my stomach, tore a hunk out of my leg.  It finally left me, but I couldn't do anything but lay there in a pool of blood, before falling asleep.  I had woke up in the basement, but they didn't seem to leave me any blood, and being in the state I was in, I couldn't hunt.  But Dracon and Blue found me, then carried me to the volcano for their plans.  My wounds had begun to turn to dust by this point, my stomach and intestines had crumbled, and I knew I was dying.  And I wasn't trying to cheat death this time.

A lot of the ritual fades in and out of my memory.  I'm not sure I want to remember it all.  I do recall at one point he handed me Blue's heart, and I held it with all that I had left.  As much as she had scared me as a demon, I knew she didn't belong in that angel's body.  More blurry details and then boom, Blue was before us in all her former glory.  It would have been fascinating if Dracon hadn't then approached me, announcing it was my turn.  Again, the memories blur at this point.  I know Kali showed up, but then blackness consumed me and I didn't worry anymore, thinking it was done and over.  When I came to... Dracon had shoved a part of his heart into mine and he was asking Blue to feed me her blood.  She did, and that combined with Drac's essence woke me up.  I was alive, and once more demonic.  And pissed.  Blue left us to once more show the city why it should fear her name and I lit into Drac.  I didn't want to be alive, I didn't want to be a demon.  He simply stated, he didn't want to live without me and since the damage couldn't be repaired, he just, improved me.

The power is back in my hands.  This pleases me.  I seem to be able to call the blood magic like I used to.  This time though, it's Drac's and Blue's influence that runs through my veins.  I've always been a cold creature but this time, I'm warm, fire comes easily to me.  Although it's made it harder for me to hide what I am now, but most seem to just think I'm back to being a human.  And Drac has been, an unexpected bonus to all this.  Even now as I write, I'm sitting here, watching over him as he sleeps.  Sleep evades me right now, but he sleeps as well as he ever did.  He is so protective, which is odd for me.  I've always watched my own ass, and yet here he is, making sure that nothing bad happens when he can prevent it... is it possible for a demon to love someone?  Even one that had a hand in her corruption?

Catching up

The tides of change never seem to stop.  They swell and recede, often sweeping me or the ones I care about up in them.  I am at a loss of what to put in my writing, my only companion that I have had since I started walking the streets of this filthy hovel on my own.  I had a hand in Jaco's recent changings.  More than a hand actually.  Kali used me as a funnel to pour her energy into his dying body, twisting and mutating it beyond what it had already endured until he became a demon like I was.  Was... I hate that word but I suppose it is our own fault what happened.  She accused him and I both of wasting the 'gift' she gave us.  Him more than I, but in her eyes we both should have been punished.  And punish she did.  She removed her entire demonic blessing from Jaco and I.  Jaco reverted and I simply, existed.  It hurt, but at least I didn't have my entire being changed, by her.

After the incident with Kali, I rushed to feed, feeling weak and hungry.  First person I seen was my daughter.. and those wings... I was always partial to angel blood after coming back, and my daughter was as fair game as anyone... So I tried to go after her, but with Kali's blessing removed, I couldn't withstand the holy magic Miza has become so adept at.  She managed to get me down, then drug me in the church.  What happened later, is a blur to me.  I just know, I came to, and no longer could summon my darkest magic.  Miza was so happy, she turned me into a mortal.  A human.  I fled back to the courthouse, and hid, unable to believe what the fates had cast on me this time...

Soon when the Lady found out what I was, she made fun of me.  I became an outcast within the Shadows.  A human among demons... so for the second time I turned in my necklace, and walked away, choosing to wander the streets on my own rather than wallow in my own feelings of insignificance.  I forgave Miza, for now.  She was truly trying to ... help me I suppose, but I couldn't accept what I was.  All my memories were back, flooding my poor human brain.  So I decided to seek revenge on those that wronged me that I had forgot.  It was with this goal, I decided to seek out a particular angel, that had stolen my purity when I was an angel.  A human going after an angel... didn't go over so well.  My former lover, killed me.  Again.  I truly do get tired of floating in that realm between life and death.  It was during this haze, that my old sire, Stiletto, found me, and forced her blood down my throat.  When I woke up, the fangs were back, the thirst for blood... vampire once more.