I often wonder, what would happen truly if I just let everything I'm feeling consume me. If I took that plunge off of the top of the hospital, if I just gave up. I have been fighting, for so long, and so hard to keep things going, but what is the point if you are the only one fighting? Family is such... an odd term now days. I still have my wolves and angels... but as far as internal family, the ones I deal with constantly.... The library is quickly dividing itself. With romances flaring and dying as quickly as my body seems to embrace changes, it's been a rough couple months. I've quickly become withdrawn. I'd rather watch from the sidelines than to be in the inevitable drama. We've grown, slightly. Adding Vivian and Felice back to the roster was a boon for us. Only thing I fear is they are from the older generation of Illuminati and I worry how they will take to changes.
I find myself missing people. Blue, Stiletto, Vishous, Vinse, Nals, Tora, Shea, Quiet, Xion... The list goes on and on. I even miss some people that terrified the shit out of me. There is little I fear now days, other than death, but being human, it's inevitable. People fear me... and while that in it's self could be a badge of honor, it gets old being avoided.
My past came back to haunt me, as I mentioned before. The bond between us was much like a flare. It flashed and burned, then died out I fear. He bound himself to me as my familiar, but now, I feel that bond slipping, the connection between us fading fast. It contributes to my own feelings of worthlessness, and morose. I find myself walking dark paths... and while I know in the back of my mind, that its just, depression and will soon go away, I can't help but let my self drift further away... Its much like I told Jaco a couple months ago. In the dark I am comfortable, in the dark ... I feel at ease and at home.
There has been strange happenings around town lately. Strange demons have been out and about, opening seals, supposedly trying to summon the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. I heard rumors of Pestilence being set loose, but I haven't seen any evidence of it... Besides, it's Toxia... Aren't the horsemen part of a biblical fairy tale that the preachers tell their flock to scare them into behaving?