Sunday, August 26, 2012


The change didn't happen.  For the life of me, no matter how I look at it, I don't understand.. .not that understanding is ever a good quality of a human.  But I have looked and analyzed and thought every step we took to get the wolves help, and for it to fall through... I don't get it.  Part of me is angry... because Stray took the illness from me, and in some weird move made us both revert to a human form.  If Zoey would have bit me, that wouldn't have happened.  Part of me, is doubting myself, and maybe Zoey seen something in me that she didn't want to see as a wolf, and that is why she backed out at the last moment.  And a very tiny, very hidden part of my  mind is pleased that she didn't.  I feared what the full moons would look like with me as a four legged beast with a temper that would rival any demons and a hair trigger.

I can't stand being human... I'm sitting in the library now, huddled up next to the fire to try and keep the chilly air of the city from setting in my bones.  I have options.  There has been vampires offering to restore me back to what I was before all the changes... and I'm sure if I killed myself, as soon as Leviathan and Kali were done, they'd turn me loose back onto the city.  And still, there are other wolves I suppose but I feel dirty going to anyone but Zoey, and my general fears of Lycans keeps me from taking that route.  So I exist.  Only good thing that happened was the Coven shop was able to unlock a part of Cole's fuck up and at least restore my magic and most of my demonic powers, but even though they are mine, they tire me so.  I feel so wiped out after trying to use them that I've almost given up and resigned myself to being just ... another human.

Emotions, I was pleased to learn, didn't quite overwhelm me this time.  I can still lie effortlessly, and most of the time my conscience doesn't even lift her hateful little head.  The only issues I've found is when I'm close to someone, and it seems the closer I am to them, the harder it is to lie to them.  So I've been distancing myself from most, trying to keep that wall up in order to protect them and myself.  The city's been too quiet.  I want to cause mischief, and as soon as I find some better stories I plan on doing just that.

I've been having nightmares.  While I share an apartment with Stray I have taken to sleeping in the library.  My own screams wake me more often than not and she doesn't need the lack of sleep.  Denny has been, absent.  I need someone to vent to, but my options seem to run thinner than ever so I just keep my head down and go about my business as usual.  One thing I am not adjusting to, is that this body needs so much rest... and I can't afford it.  Perhaps death will claim me after all and perhaps when I stand in hell once more I can beg for mercy.  One of Denny's alternate personalities has claimed my soul would fetch a rather high price in hell's market...  I didn't know they had one of those honestly but I'd rather not find out.

My past, never seems to stay where it belongs.  Someone came back, just when I had managed to lock away those pesky emotions, someone pops up and breaks them out.  Someone with whom I had so much history with... a person that at one time sacrificed everything for me... and I infected him so long ago with my own soul so that he would be like me... He says he loves me, but it feels as if my heart is a raw lump inside my chest right now... Time will tell if he will stick around to be with the broken shadow of the princess he loved, or if he will break me further.  I care, I just don't want to feel that feeling of loss anymore.  I just don't like the emotional pain anymore.  Mortality sucks.

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