A Rightie and Covenite walk into the pit...

Sounds like a joke right?  The title of this entry?  Well thats how it felt the other night when I decided to go pay the shadows a visit.  But I'm getting ahead of myself...

So its been a little while longer since I've wrote, but I've truly not had anything note-worthy happen.  I am more used to my new body now.  It seems eager to do my bidding... at least physically.  Mentally, still an issue to realize that I can't just do whatever anymore.  It has its pros and cons, as I am sure everything does.  But I get by and for now that is all I am concerned about.

Leadership has changed, again, for the shadows... thats five in the last year or so if I'm correct.  Perhaps that much dark power is simply overwhelming?  Or maybe they just get tired of being a leader.  It isn't my concern... the more they change leadership the weaker they grow, so yay for us right?

Drea cornered me in the blood bath the other day.  Was lecturing me on how I should go back to what I 'should' be, a vampire.  Granted it is strange to see an angel playing in the bloodpool like a bird in a birdbath... but if I was 'supposed' to be a vampire, wouldn't I still be one?   Lou said something similar to me returning to my former self.... but I just pointed out how fail his family is now, and left the conversation. Speaking of the vampires though.... Raiden came to me a few weeks ago telling me he'd been turned into a lycan.  Bad news. Zoey was destroyed.  Worse news.

I'll write more about Zoey coming back later... but it seems everything has changed.  Zoey and Rai are lycans, I'm an angel... none of the leaders are the same anymore.  I did give xion back his mortality though, I figured since I had killed him twice, I owed him one.  He's back to being a feline, so that at least is familiar...

So on to my adventures at the pit.  Miss Russ from the Coven came by the church the other day, and spoke with Tora and I about some demon wanting me dead.  Surprise surprise right?  He stupidly told Russ when she refused to do it, he was going to the shadows, so Russ and I took a field trip to the pit.  Once there, the only person around was Bri.  That is one kitten that scares the living shit out of me... One of the very few Shadows that I still... don't like messing with.  Bri more or less answered that the demon hadn't come to the pit specifically... then the new leader of the shadows showed up.  I think his name is Jan?  He was... cordial which was something I never expected.. especially from the leader of the Shadows but meh.  We got out answers and left.

I need entertainment.  I find being in the Righteous lately more burdensome than freeing.  I help train them to fight, torture, basically a big sister figure to a few of them.  Perhaps its because its been a year since I left the shadows?  Perhaps its because I see the Kindred failing as a family?  As an angel shouldn't I feel more compelled to be a better righteous?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Zen

Its been awhile since the change... I've quit contemplating cutting off my wings to spite my father.  I'm finding that basically I'm still the same Sav, other than the giant feathery mutations.  The same temper, the same lust for violence... that in itself makes it a bit more tolerable.  My body, is different and that has been the hardest to get used to.  Cuts and bullet wounds don't heal as fast... sometimes it takes days even to recuperate from a fight. But... in exchange, I have... power now.  Even if it is unpredictable and sporadic.

I've seen Denenthorn call forth the holy light, for various things... Being his daughter, I thought I'd be able to do this, and I was wrong.  I can call forth... light but its generally a cold, black, damaging light rather than a bright, healing holy one.  So I sought him out, to get advice, lessons, something...  He was in the church praying, which shocked me.  I've known him, awhile and have never seen him praying but to each their own right?  I interrupted him, and asked him how to call forth the light.  I fully expected him to belittle me, mock me, something along those lines, but he surprised me.  For the first time since I met him, he treated me, as if I was a pupil and him the teacher, the advice he gave was sincere, and he left the sarcasm behind for once.

He said I needed to find my Zen, my inner peace.  I need to be able to overcome my emotions, especially my anger.  Which is hard... since I was brought back, I find, my emotions are all to easily exposed, by various different triggers. As I told him, there is a reason I'm redheaded... but I guess he's right.  I need to learn to control them.  So we discussed, what calms me, what centers me, and of course, first and foremost was pain. Pain was a large part of my make-up as a vampire, and much to my pleasure, I still enjoy it as an angel.  I just have to be careful what I do, because unlike when I was undead, my new body doesn't hide the scares of my playtime.  He suggested I think of it, try to use thoughts to focus myself, but that tends to frustrate me, as well as my next 'zen', sex.  Simply thinking of them tends to piss me off further....

As we kept trying, I brought up hunting.... that was one thing I enjoyed very much as a vampire.  I still enjoy it now, but somehow its not the same... When I hunted before, there was a goal... blood.  Now... While I drag them to the church and re-educate them, it just isn't the same finality as it was.  But again, simply thinking about it doesn't help... As it grew later, I kept frustrating him, because it seems like, I have NO zen, no calming influence... I'm too impatient (which he said I needed to conquer as well) to meditate... unlike him and Vivi, I don't rely on anyone to make me calm... but  I have to have one correct?  Even demons have that one thing that utterly calms them... so he gave me a goal.... when I find it, when I learn to conquer my emotions... he will answer the question that has been bugging me since I woke up in the church that night... Why did he bring me back?