Sunday, August 26, 2012


The change didn't happen.  For the life of me, no matter how I look at it, I don't understand.. .not that understanding is ever a good quality of a human.  But I have looked and analyzed and thought every step we took to get the wolves help, and for it to fall through... I don't get it.  Part of me is angry... because Stray took the illness from me, and in some weird move made us both revert to a human form.  If Zoey would have bit me, that wouldn't have happened.  Part of me, is doubting myself, and maybe Zoey seen something in me that she didn't want to see as a wolf, and that is why she backed out at the last moment.  And a very tiny, very hidden part of my  mind is pleased that she didn't.  I feared what the full moons would look like with me as a four legged beast with a temper that would rival any demons and a hair trigger.

I can't stand being human... I'm sitting in the library now, huddled up next to the fire to try and keep the chilly air of the city from setting in my bones.  I have options.  There has been vampires offering to restore me back to what I was before all the changes... and I'm sure if I killed myself, as soon as Leviathan and Kali were done, they'd turn me loose back onto the city.  And still, there are other wolves I suppose but I feel dirty going to anyone but Zoey, and my general fears of Lycans keeps me from taking that route.  So I exist.  Only good thing that happened was the Coven shop was able to unlock a part of Cole's fuck up and at least restore my magic and most of my demonic powers, but even though they are mine, they tire me so.  I feel so wiped out after trying to use them that I've almost given up and resigned myself to being just ... another human.

Emotions, I was pleased to learn, didn't quite overwhelm me this time.  I can still lie effortlessly, and most of the time my conscience doesn't even lift her hateful little head.  The only issues I've found is when I'm close to someone, and it seems the closer I am to them, the harder it is to lie to them.  So I've been distancing myself from most, trying to keep that wall up in order to protect them and myself.  The city's been too quiet.  I want to cause mischief, and as soon as I find some better stories I plan on doing just that.

I've been having nightmares.  While I share an apartment with Stray I have taken to sleeping in the library.  My own screams wake me more often than not and she doesn't need the lack of sleep.  Denny has been, absent.  I need someone to vent to, but my options seem to run thinner than ever so I just keep my head down and go about my business as usual.  One thing I am not adjusting to, is that this body needs so much rest... and I can't afford it.  Perhaps death will claim me after all and perhaps when I stand in hell once more I can beg for mercy.  One of Denny's alternate personalities has claimed my soul would fetch a rather high price in hell's market...  I didn't know they had one of those honestly but I'd rather not find out.

My past, never seems to stay where it belongs.  Someone came back, just when I had managed to lock away those pesky emotions, someone pops up and breaks them out.  Someone with whom I had so much history with... a person that at one time sacrificed everything for me... and I infected him so long ago with my own soul so that he would be like me... He says he loves me, but it feels as if my heart is a raw lump inside my chest right now... Time will tell if he will stick around to be with the broken shadow of the princess he loved, or if he will break me further.  I care, I just don't want to feel that feeling of loss anymore.  I just don't like the emotional pain anymore.  Mortality sucks.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Beginning of the end or end of the beginning?

Its always odd, even to me, how much being close to death, makes you think.  As I sit here and write this, my mind seems to flip through the previous few months and all that has happened.  The most notable thing, was that Drac abandoned me.  I do not think, I shall ever trust another soul as I trusted him.  He was a demon after all, and it was inevitable I am told, but it doesn't seem to dull the pain.  Even knowing now, he still keeps in contact with people except me... it hurts.  And not in a good way.  Shortly after I came to the realization that he no longer cared if I lived or died, my powers seemed to be reverting.  I became, volatile, unstable.  Setting fire to any and all things, screwing people's mentality up even when I didn't mean to.  Since I was in the library, I knew I had to fix it so I took a visit to the voodoo shop to visit my new friend Cole, and have him lock away the demonic powers since Drac had taken any control I had of them with him when he left. 

My powers didn't seem too eager to leave me.  They clung to me as a child does to it's mother the first day of school.  Cole begin to get frustrated and pissed me off since he knew the angrier I was, the more power I could pull.  I think he began to develop a taste for the demonic power he was trying to harness because soon he begin to drain more energy from me than I could regenerate.  I tried to tell him to stop but he just grew more angry and with a wave of his hand, I, along with my demon side, was pulled from my body and trapped in a stone.  I think some deep small part of him knew what he did, but his inexperience was the least of my issues.  Now my body was a shell as I was trapped.  I knew nothing and could see nothing for however long it was.  It was like being in limbo once more.  Unpleasant and boring.  Next thing I knew, I was face down in front of the church, once more with wings on my back.  Denenthorn had brought me back, though how was a question that was answered later.

The wings didn't last long.  I hated them as I did before.  And having to bury Jaco as well as Top was hard on me.  That is a scene I never want to watch again for as long as I live.  Jaco plunging from the top of Port Authority and dragging Tops with him... The sight of his broken body still haunt me at night when my fears and doubts begin to suffocate me.  And what was left of Tops... Even me, who has ripped apart countless people, played in as many entrails as a butcher, that gave me nightmares.  She was an innocent bystander, however why she was in Toxia when she told me she was sent for a mission is something I have questioned. 

I took over the library when she died.  And the family was my salvation for a time.  Seeing Jaco back as an angel was a huge shock.  Him with wings.. but he wears them better than I ever could.  But I was never happy with wings.  So I had Shadow rip them off.  I hadn't counted on him not knowing to stop the wounds, so I think I bled to death, and Jaco brought me back as a cat... of all things, a cat.  But I suppose it is better than most things that could have happened.  And my family was my support, my everything.  And I poured energy, time, devotion into the library, and we grew and was happy, for a time.

Denenthorn walked into the library late one evening with a letter from the higher ups.  He took over from me.  I stuck around to try and ease the transition but it isn't an easy one.  We've lost family member after family member to various reasons.  It seems some days I'm completely alone.  I still have Rai and Zoey, but they have their own issues to deal with their Pack.  And Denenthorn continues to push what fragile trust I have with him.  Stabbing me in the back, tossing me from a building, mocking me when I took on his pain.  This coming after him forcing six thousand years worth of memories his life into my head when he reformed me.  He has no secrets from me now.  And that is a blessing and a curse in itself. 

But now, I am dying.  I ordered Stray to pull the poison that flowed through Denenthorn's system and force it into my own.  I had forgotten for a moment that I was a mere mortal and this poison that had been slowly killing an immortal was far worse than anything I had experienced.  Tonight a change will happen, and whether I am alive or dead when the morning sun rises is up to the three I've entrusted with my life.  Death is calling me and I do not want to answer...