Lessons learned

My own screams echoed in my ear, the fading taste of my blood in my mouth.  A fine way to spend the night no?  All I was doing was playing a prank on Mord of the library.  I took his hat.  Thats all... I may be a demon, but I'm still a baby by demon standards, and I like to cause mischievousness as well as chaos.  I think sometimes others forget that I was young before being cursed... but thats neither here nor there...

Drac had been gone a while.  I was growing restless, and having fed on a newly turned vampire, I decided I wanted to run rampant for a bit.  Yeah that went over well.  I was running around, causing mischief, doing silly little things that entertained me.  Once I made my rounds, I found Mord, and with a brow wiggle, I stole his hat and took off.  I hadn't got more than a few feet when I heard a roaring in my ears, telling me to give it back and start acting right.  I ignored it as I headed on up the road, but a sense of foreboding filled me.  I quickly turned and scampered back to the library, thrusting Mord's hat back at him.  As soon as I did, I felt talon's digging in my shoulders and I was drug downwards, into the ground.  I screamed, but I kept being pulled.

Once I reached my destination, I was dropped hard, on the ground.  I sighed and stood up, brushing the dirt off my thighs, pulling my skirt down, before I looked up.  His face, was disapproving, his eyes cold.  "What the hell... do you think you are doing up there Savannah?"  he asked, his tone hard and left no even remote tone of affection.  I immediately looked back down, and begin to fiddle with the hem of my skirt, taking a few deep breaths.  "Having fun?" I finally whispered.  He begin to laugh, and I peeked up at him through my bangs, his face amused, but the smile held so much sadism to it.  "Fun? You want fun?" he asked, then grabbed a handful of my hair dragging me down a hallway.  The next few hours, were filled with pain, sex, more pain, more sex.  My mind completely forgot about those in Tox I should be concerned with, and I had to focus on him, and what he was doing to me.  The last part of the 'fun' as he called it, he took a talon and rebranded Leviathan's mark on my chest, before re-enchanting the dragon that hung around my neck as a symbol to her, and him, that I was theirs.

He then took me in his arms and simply held me for a while, not saying much.  To some, it would look like a rare moment of affection, the demon trying to comfort his chylder, but in reality, he was keeping me from being able to heal myself, being able to stop the blood flow.  Making sure I felt every tiny twinge of pain and darkness that he had spent the hours before inflicting on me.  His nose trailed over my ear, and down my neck, keeping my mind on him when it should have been wandering toward my obligations, and I let him.  I was tired of fighting, tired of missing him.  I was like a sponge, soaking up whatever attention he decided to give me, and a tiny part of me hated it.  Hated the way he knew me, the way he played my affections.  Yet I didn't struggle, didn't ask to go back.  He sent me back when he was done, saying he'd see me soon, and to behave.

Once back in Tox, I find myself unable to control the demonic urges like I once did.  The stranger part was, I didn't really find that I wanted to.  I was tired, sore, hungry, weak.  First thing I did was corner ... something, the memory isn't really there, and wasn't important.  I fed on him, then finally managed to get back into my human form, but it felt... almost wrong.  Like I was wearing clothes that didn't fit anymore.  But I have to keep the guise up, at least for now, in interest for the library.

I miss him.  Ass.

Cupid should be shot?

Strange times ... strange times.  The city is constantly changing yet the undercurrent remains the same.  Politics abound, backstabbing runs rampant.  Fun times correct?  Its in the midst of all this undermining where I settle myself, watching, waiting.  I found myself a job at the library, and I've turned into a quiet little bookworm.  I've always enjoyed the library and working for them, I get access to all the books I want to read.  Not a bad deal no?  I've already managed to strike a deal with the prowlers, then root out a mole we had working for Lourden. Perhaps I have found my calling or perhaps it is just what suits me now?  It seems sometimes my interests are as varied as the citizens of this dirty little hovel.

But obviously with me being a librarian, it suits my natural curiosity.  However, the old saying curiosity killed the cat works for vampires as well as cats.  I can't seem to stop my attraction for the darker things in the city.  the darker the better for me, and it draws me like a magnet.  So its no wonder I found him.  He was standing in front of the haven, in our little town square.  There was... waves of arrogance rolling off of him.  Even as a vampire, I can see a big ego.  I approached him, and once the banter was over and I found out who he was, I was immediately intrigued.  The former Lord of Shadows, Dracon himself.  Decided to 'grace' us with his presence. I wasn't all that impressed, although most of the former leaders refuse to come back to our city which is strange.  You'd think they'd come around and strike terror but, that is their decision not mine.  Dracon had a job he needed done, he wanted research, he wanted answers.  In exchange, he'd let me feed, as I needed.  His blood granted a temporary immunity to fire, so I jumped on the deal.  It cost me very little other than time and a bit of begging from the higher ups in the library.

Once I got some ideas I begin to experiment.  Dracon had a vial of the Guardian's blood that he gifted me with, so I took that, combined it with some of Blue's blood.  I then combined that with a piece of Dracon's essence that he let me play with as I was doing my research.  The blood begin to mix with it's self, and a darkness descended on the basement of the library.  By the time I realized what a fuck up I had done, it was too late.  The mist rising off the blood grabbed me, and begin to cut me, pinning me to the table as it almost, seemed to lap up my blood, feeding it into the piece of essence that was on table with the blood.  I finally lost consciousness and when I came to, I could hear Stiletto yelling at me from the floor above.  I only wanted blood at this point.  And lots of it... The next few hours were a haze, filled with strange visions of shadows hanging from the ceiling, Stiletto's blood, Drac's blood, Drac passing out... It wasn't until after I had drank my fill and my mind begin to clear, I realized the full extent of my mistake.  Because the blood I combined had used my blood to fuel it's fusion with Dracon's essence, I had bound myself to him.  My pain was his pain, my pleasure was his as well.  We were both, horrified by this although this did come with an unexpected bonus.  No one would harm me so long as they respected him, because they didn't wish it to pain him.

Days went by, I continued to feed from him, while doing research on how to get this curse off of myself.  I couldn't do anything without him there, he was always behind me, beside me.  Like a demented, guardian or stalker. And, I got closer to him as I tend to do when I feed from the same person.  And it was through this the inevitable happened.  Afterward, he tried to claim me as his mate and I refused that title.  I claimed I wasn't a dog, or a cat.  Mating is for animals.  Plus I was unsure if it was us, or the bond keeping us together. So, time passed, and I found myself craving his presence, longing for his voice.  Even after I sought out Mik and had him give me a spell that would remove the bond, Dracon stayed by my side.  And I felt, something I hadn't felt even with Shea... Something that I don't think there is even a word for...

Sometimes I think I have ESP.  Dracon and I was having a talk before the full moon about him turning Blue back into a demon.  He said he could turn me as well, but I knew all too well what that would entail.  And I begged him not to.  I told him, that if I was to die, to let me this time.  I owe a debt to Death as well as to Kali.  Even through his denial I was sure he'd just, let me go.  He didn't like vampires anyways.  And we just turn to dust when we die.  On the full moon I was strolling around, and found myself cornered by a wolf.  Most wolves in the city avoid me, even in feral form.  But this one, I hadn't seen before, and it attacked me.  It lunged and I kicked, it bit and I swung at it.  But, in the end, it opened my torso open.  Ripped open my stomach, tore a hunk out of my leg.  It finally left me, but I couldn't do anything but lay there in a pool of blood, before falling asleep.  I had woke up in the basement, but they didn't seem to leave me any blood, and being in the state I was in, I couldn't hunt.  But Dracon and Blue found me, then carried me to the volcano for their plans.  My wounds had begun to turn to dust by this point, my stomach and intestines had crumbled, and I knew I was dying.  And I wasn't trying to cheat death this time.

A lot of the ritual fades in and out of my memory.  I'm not sure I want to remember it all.  I do recall at one point he handed me Blue's heart, and I held it with all that I had left.  As much as she had scared me as a demon, I knew she didn't belong in that angel's body.  More blurry details and then boom, Blue was before us in all her former glory.  It would have been fascinating if Dracon hadn't then approached me, announcing it was my turn.  Again, the memories blur at this point.  I know Kali showed up, but then blackness consumed me and I didn't worry anymore, thinking it was done and over.  When I came to... Dracon had shoved a part of his heart into mine and he was asking Blue to feed me her blood.  She did, and that combined with Drac's essence woke me up.  I was alive, and once more demonic.  And pissed.  Blue left us to once more show the city why it should fear her name and I lit into Drac.  I didn't want to be alive, I didn't want to be a demon.  He simply stated, he didn't want to live without me and since the damage couldn't be repaired, he just, improved me.

The power is back in my hands.  This pleases me.  I seem to be able to call the blood magic like I used to.  This time though, it's Drac's and Blue's influence that runs through my veins.  I've always been a cold creature but this time, I'm warm, fire comes easily to me.  Although it's made it harder for me to hide what I am now, but most seem to just think I'm back to being a human.  And Drac has been, an unexpected bonus to all this.  Even now as I write, I'm sitting here, watching over him as he sleeps.  Sleep evades me right now, but he sleeps as well as he ever did.  He is so protective, which is odd for me.  I've always watched my own ass, and yet here he is, making sure that nothing bad happens when he can prevent it... is it possible for a demon to love someone?  Even one that had a hand in her corruption?

Catching up

The tides of change never seem to stop.  They swell and recede, often sweeping me or the ones I care about up in them.  I am at a loss of what to put in my writing, my only companion that I have had since I started walking the streets of this filthy hovel on my own.  I had a hand in Jaco's recent changings.  More than a hand actually.  Kali used me as a funnel to pour her energy into his dying body, twisting and mutating it beyond what it had already endured until he became a demon like I was.  Was... I hate that word but I suppose it is our own fault what happened.  She accused him and I both of wasting the 'gift' she gave us.  Him more than I, but in her eyes we both should have been punished.  And punish she did.  She removed her entire demonic blessing from Jaco and I.  Jaco reverted and I simply, existed.  It hurt, but at least I didn't have my entire being changed, by her.

After the incident with Kali, I rushed to feed, feeling weak and hungry.  First person I seen was my daughter.. and those wings... I was always partial to angel blood after coming back, and my daughter was as fair game as anyone... So I tried to go after her, but with Kali's blessing removed, I couldn't withstand the holy magic Miza has become so adept at.  She managed to get me down, then drug me in the church.  What happened later, is a blur to me.  I just know, I came to, and no longer could summon my darkest magic.  Miza was so happy, she turned me into a mortal.  A human.  I fled back to the courthouse, and hid, unable to believe what the fates had cast on me this time...

Soon when the Lady found out what I was, she made fun of me.  I became an outcast within the Shadows.  A human among demons... so for the second time I turned in my necklace, and walked away, choosing to wander the streets on my own rather than wallow in my own feelings of insignificance.  I forgave Miza, for now.  She was truly trying to ... help me I suppose, but I couldn't accept what I was.  All my memories were back, flooding my poor human brain.  So I decided to seek revenge on those that wronged me that I had forgot.  It was with this goal, I decided to seek out a particular angel, that had stolen my purity when I was an angel.  A human going after an angel... didn't go over so well.  My former lover, killed me.  Again.  I truly do get tired of floating in that realm between life and death.  It was during this haze, that my old sire, Stiletto, found me, and forced her blood down my throat.  When I woke up, the fangs were back, the thirst for blood... vampire once more.

Pain and Love

Pain and love, not exactly the most compatible of things on this realm, none the less the two go hand in hand.  Masochism, as it is called, can cause one to fall in love.  Whether it is love for the pain or the one that  is providing it, I do not know.  I am a masochist.  However I have always self-inflicted my pain, or fulfilled my own pain needs.  Do I think I am a pain whore?  No... I do not, seek pain out.  Pain is a release for me, whether it is my own or the pain I inflict on others.  I however have my limits, most in this town don't seem to ...

Love... causes pain.  those that love, are often in pain because of it.  I was pained, to discover one I loved, one I held dear betrayed me, and all I held dear.  Shea and Miza both.  Shea told Miza what I was now, what I gave up for her, and what did the little shit do?  She turned and told Denenthorn... I do not know what entered her dumbass mind, but she came after me, wanted to 'save me'.  I tried to tell her, I AM a demon, not possessed by one... but she refused to listen and attacked me anyways.  So I beat her down, and proceeded to teach her a lesson, she would never forget.

I first, made her watch my torture, the hell I went through over her... she didn't enjoy it.  She tried to scream, but its hard to scream without a tongue... when your own blood is filling your mouth... Once she had seen it, and I made sure she had seen it, I cast her into a pit of darkness, at least in her mind thats where she went.  Oh I am loving this new power I've tapped into, I was never this powerful as Seiphere's demonic chylder.  Something to be said for self-sacrifice and the rewards it gives correct?

The next two weeks I played.  I dived deeper into her mind and explored, twisted, exploited.  I doubt many have ever been able to read another being as well as I read her.  Her every fear was there laid out like a buffet for me to pick and choose from.  Every day I picked a new one, sometimes combining them.. it was a marvelously fun fourteen days.  I taxed myself though... that was slightly disturbing.  I wish I didn't have a conscience.. but it can't be helped, its the cost of what I did, of what I become.  But day after day, she experienced new things.  Cockroaches would crawl over her body as I made her relive her every mistake, fire licked and lapped at her wings as she had to choose between saving herself or her family.  She was left alone, and I had tortures of other Righteous played in her memory, over and over.  Twisted the memories so it would look like it was her fault.  I made her pick and choose who she thought was being tortured.  So much fun for me to be had...

Best thing was, I used others to do it for me.  But I alone knew her whereabouts... something BB and Shea both confronted me on.  Shea decided to jump me while I was playing with xion.. (story for another time) and once he got me down, decided he was going to question me about Miza's where abouts.  As if I would tell him, or Denenthorn who tried to threaten me into telling him where she was.  Bastard had the balls to say he'd hurt someone I'd care about.  He wouldn't hurt his own, according to him, so that leaves no one outside of the Shadows I'd give a shit about.  I finally grew bored, and left her body at the church one morning.  Little shit... I care about her, but she'll learn one day, you don't betray the one that created you...

OOC Post

As some people may know, and some do not, I had a sort of mental melt down friday night.  I ended up deleting half of my friends' list, leaving groups, wiping out Savannah's profile, and disappeared for a few hours to calm down.  I have no words to say how sorry I am to those that I hurt, but it was a long time coming.  I have been dealing with several ooc issues in the sim that I roleplay in.  Mostly people trying to start crap between me and my partner, or some of the higher ups talking down to me.  I am saddened to think after two years in the same place, solid years with only a few days taken here and there, that I was basically told I am nothing there.  All this has been boiling under the surface for a few weeks, and it just erupted.  However, I am better now, trying to think how to patch things, wondering if some things are worth patching.  Also found out that someone I considered close to me was passing skype ims I had wrote to them around.  I get overwhelmed easily.  I have never been one to be able to deal with groups of people, ic or ooc.  And I think that added fuel to the fire.  For now, I'm on a break from the place where I rp, to get my head on straight, and do some rebuilding.  I am sorry to those that care, and those that immediately went into my ims to bash me for walking away from the rp... thanks for showing me your real side.

To those that cared, and were there to pick up the pieces and offer hugs and love, I love you, you know who you are <3

Sav

Life and Death, an endless cycle"

I grow tired.  It is unsurprising.  The city dynamics have changed, the streets, the inhabitants.  There is so little fear in town now.  I thank the goddess daily that I don't feed on emotions.  Unless I was a succubus I'd probably starve to death.  I spend a lot of time reading, watching, collecting.  Even the violence that used to be weaved in Toxia seems to be lacking unless one of the monsters show up...

Miza died.  One of the very few that I considered blood kin, and treated her as such.  I found her body in the courthouse, after smelling blood.  I didn't think about how she got there, I just was thinking, no, it can't be her.  She was all that left of my humanity when I left the Rights.  I collected her body and took off to the one person I thought could fix anything.  Jaco.  Immediately he thought I did it, of course, but once he seen how upset I was, how badly I wanted to bring her back he agreed to try and help me.  We took her body to the arena and I held it close to my own.  As if my soul could bring hers back.  Then Death came to claim her... I refused to let her go.  A deal was made, my immortality for hers.  She would live, but I had to die.  And not by my own hand...  About this time my brother walked up, the same brother who was in debt to Death for my soul.  HE had been cast on the island to kill me.  So in one motion, he destroyed me, releasing himself from debt, and bringing Miza back.  I knew it was coming this time, I was prepared.  There was no limbo, just, the sound of Hex's blade in the air, then Death dragging me to hell.

The moment we reached his lair he was upon me.  His foot dug into my spine as he gripped a wing in each hand.  "You thought you could outsmart me child?" he hissed then with a tug backwards, he ripped the wings from my back, taking away my power, my angelic immortality.  "So selfless are we?"  His tone was so cold, and sarcastic.  I found it hard to concentrate on him much, most of my focus on the pain of having my wings ripped out.  It was as if he damaged my very soul and he may have...  I said little, just making sure he made good on his part of the deal.  Once he answered affirmative, I fell silent and took what he decided for me.  When he found my soul was bound to Xion's, oh he was pissed.  He couldn't collect it, as Xion has never cheated him, and since my soul is bound to his... that much of my existence was spared.

I do not know how long I was there, could have been hours, or days.... or weeks.  He would torture me to the point of death, bring me back, then do it again.  I was a mortal stuck in hell.  In every literal and figurative sense.  Ever inch of my body was abused, every part violated.  I felt my mind twisting, trying to escape the torture, mentally at least.  It didn't work.  He knew what I was doing, so then the mental torture begin.  I just wanted him to end me.  I no longer cared about my soul, or anything.  I just wanted it to stop, and it wouldn't...

He took a break, letting one of his servants heal me when a visitor showed up.  I do not know what she came for.  I was barely able to see her, or him.  Off note, its odd I've always referenced to death as male, when in truth it shows no sexual characteristics... but I digress.  Once I was healed the demon nursing me, bound me once more in chains and brought me to Death and his visitor.  "I am not giving you a choice." the woman spoke to my tormentor with a cold firm tone.  I looked up to her, and she smiled at me, almost a motherly manner.  "She sacrificed herself out of love to another, she doesn't deserve this sort of eternity."  Death barked out a laugh and replied, "Its not about what she deserves it is what she owes me."  Suddenly he glared down to me, and wrapped his fingers in my hair, jerking my hair back so I was forced to look at him.  "Die again little one, and there is nothing on earth, heaven or hell that will save you.  You allow yourself in my domain again and I will kill that infernal cat, as well as your beloved husband... "  He then threw my body at the woman who wrapped her arms around me, and we disappeared.

The next thing I knew, I heard someone sobbing.  I moved closer to the sound, unsteady suddenly.  Looking down, I had hooves, and.. a tail.  Shaking my head, I moved closer to the source of the crying, and found Jaco, who looked at me, almost in horror.  After a brief, conversation, I took off back home.  It wasn't long till I discovered, what I had become.  My skin as black as the knight, with my goddess's blessing scrawled across it.  Horns, ornate and beautiful... I was a demon, again.  From angel to demon.  I was back.

The end of an era,of a legend...

Denenthorn killed Blue.  Strange way to start a journal entry, but it is still forefront in my mind.  She came to visit, as she has done before.  I do not know WHAT crawled up my father's ass, but he came out, being all omnipotent as usual...then attacked her.  The battle wasn't as long as I expected, and the outcome, was horrible, in my eyes.  I watched him rip out Blue's heart, then force her into an angelic being, much as he done me.  I never seen it so clearly as when it happened in front of me.  I suppose I shouldn't have been sooo upset, but it was Blue, his family, my family... I did manage to collect some of her blood, so that was a plus, I suppose.

This event stuck with me since it happened.  Granted, Blue was not an innocent, not by any means.  Tales of the terror she caused, she carried are still legendary.  I remember her attacking Aricelli when we had to go rescue a Reck from the pit, and I remember threatening me the first time I approached the pit by myself.  But for Denny to destroy her, then force her into another being.... I .. I am unable to understand exactly why.  If he wanted to kill her he should have, but to force her, without her choice, into an angel?  What makes him so powerful, so absolute?  How is he the alpha and omega?  When did he become our creator to decide who lives, dies, and how they spend their time on this earth?

It was these thoughts that plagued me for the next weeks.  Everytime I slept I seen him ripping Blue's heart out, I seen her transforming into an angel.  Everytime I seen Denny, I just wanted to tear into him, make him hurt like he has hurt others, make him hurt for making me what I am.  But I can't.  I cannot destroy that which created me, I can only leave it.

So I turned in my bandanna... I left the church.  Miza cried, I cried.  The first, true family like thing I have belonged to in a long time, and I abandoned them, left them to fend for themselves.  I had so many regrets... I don't deal with guilt well.  So I did the only thing I could do, I started searching for merc jobs, doing anything to keep my mind occupied.  It was while doing this, I spoke to Sandra... my conversation with her made her think I was well suited to becoming a shadow again, I just shrugged it off and went on my way.  But her words stuck with me for the next few days.  So I gave in and went back, speaking to Kahlia.  She gave me a task to prove myself, and I did it, within a couple of days.

So I was welcomed back.  The location has changed, the family has changed, the laws... but the vows remain the same as does the freedom.  Been keeping it under wraps though, so much easier to fuck people over when they don't know who you really are.