Monday, May 2, 2011

Zen

Its been awhile since the change... I've quit contemplating cutting off my wings to spite my father.  I'm finding that basically I'm still the same Sav, other than the giant feathery mutations.  The same temper, the same lust for violence... that in itself makes it a bit more tolerable.  My body, is different and that has been the hardest to get used to.  Cuts and bullet wounds don't heal as fast... sometimes it takes days even to recuperate from a fight. But... in exchange, I have... power now.  Even if it is unpredictable and sporadic.

I've seen Denenthorn call forth the holy light, for various things... Being his daughter, I thought I'd be able to do this, and I was wrong.  I can call forth... light but its generally a cold, black, damaging light rather than a bright, healing holy one.  So I sought him out, to get advice, lessons, something...  He was in the church praying, which shocked me.  I've known him, awhile and have never seen him praying but to each their own right?  I interrupted him, and asked him how to call forth the light.  I fully expected him to belittle me, mock me, something along those lines, but he surprised me.  For the first time since I met him, he treated me, as if I was a pupil and him the teacher, the advice he gave was sincere, and he left the sarcasm behind for once.

He said I needed to find my Zen, my inner peace.  I need to be able to overcome my emotions, especially my anger.  Which is hard... since I was brought back, I find, my emotions are all to easily exposed, by various different triggers. As I told him, there is a reason I'm redheaded... but I guess he's right.  I need to learn to control them.  So we discussed, what calms me, what centers me, and of course, first and foremost was pain. Pain was a large part of my make-up as a vampire, and much to my pleasure, I still enjoy it as an angel.  I just have to be careful what I do, because unlike when I was undead, my new body doesn't hide the scares of my playtime.  He suggested I think of it, try to use thoughts to focus myself, but that tends to frustrate me, as well as my next 'zen', sex.  Simply thinking of them tends to piss me off further....

As we kept trying, I brought up hunting.... that was one thing I enjoyed very much as a vampire.  I still enjoy it now, but somehow its not the same... When I hunted before, there was a goal... blood.  Now... While I drag them to the church and re-educate them, it just isn't the same finality as it was.  But again, simply thinking about it doesn't help... As it grew later, I kept frustrating him, because it seems like, I have NO zen, no calming influence... I'm too impatient (which he said I needed to conquer as well) to meditate... unlike him and Vivi, I don't rely on anyone to make me calm... but  I have to have one correct?  Even demons have that one thing that utterly calms them... so he gave me a goal.... when I find it, when I learn to conquer my emotions... he will answer the question that has been bugging me since I woke up in the church that night... Why did he bring me back?

5 comments:

  1. Very nice, more in the minds of Savvy Angel.

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  2. I once saw Magpie praying in the church, he used to do it once a year or a month. I forget... As a demon Blueray doesn't have anything that calms her at all, she is pretty much rage and hate but controls it greatly. There is no calm under that surface :P

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  3. haha. Well as an angel, Sav is still very much wrath based. As she is fond of saying, there is a reason she has red hair.... But its fun trying to control her anger, because eventually she snaps, and everyone gets hurt >.>

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  4. Christine doesn't believe that Denny was seen praying it's a just a rumor someone's ideal of a joke, He might be a Arch-Angel but she doesn't believe that he is a believer. Oh shit is that Joenta up there what is she doing on that building?...

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