Denenthorn killed Blue. Strange way to start a journal entry, but it is still forefront in my mind. She came to visit, as she has done before. I do not know WHAT crawled up my father's ass, but he came out, being all omnipotent as usual...then attacked her. The battle wasn't as long as I expected, and the outcome, was horrible, in my eyes. I watched him rip out Blue's heart, then force her into an angelic being, much as he done me. I never seen it so clearly as when it happened in front of me. I suppose I shouldn't have been sooo upset, but it was Blue, his family, my family... I did manage to collect some of her blood, so that was a plus, I suppose.
This event stuck with me since it happened. Granted, Blue was not an innocent, not by any means. Tales of the terror she caused, she carried are still legendary. I remember her attacking Aricelli when we had to go rescue a Reck from the pit, and I remember threatening me the first time I approached the pit by myself. But for Denny to destroy her, then force her into another being.... I .. I am unable to understand exactly why. If he wanted to kill her he should have, but to force her, without her choice, into an angel? What makes him so powerful, so absolute? How is he the alpha and omega? When did he become our creator to decide who lives, dies, and how they spend their time on this earth?
It was these thoughts that plagued me for the next weeks. Everytime I slept I seen him ripping Blue's heart out, I seen her transforming into an angel. Everytime I seen Denny, I just wanted to tear into him, make him hurt like he has hurt others, make him hurt for making me what I am. But I can't. I cannot destroy that which created me, I can only leave it.
So I turned in my bandanna... I left the church. Miza cried, I cried. The first, true family like thing I have belonged to in a long time, and I abandoned them, left them to fend for themselves. I had so many regrets... I don't deal with guilt well. So I did the only thing I could do, I started searching for merc jobs, doing anything to keep my mind occupied. It was while doing this, I spoke to Sandra... my conversation with her made her think I was well suited to becoming a shadow again, I just shrugged it off and went on my way. But her words stuck with me for the next few days. So I gave in and went back, speaking to Kahlia. She gave me a task to prove myself, and I did it, within a couple of days.
So I was welcomed back. The location has changed, the family has changed, the laws... but the vows remain the same as does the freedom. Been keeping it under wraps though, so much easier to fuck people over when they don't know who you really are.
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